Give me faith

I need you to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need you to open my eyes

To see that you’re shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say

That you’re good and your love is great

I’m broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need you to pierce through the dark

And cleanse every part of me

I may be weak

Your spirit strong in me

My flesh may fail

But my God you never will

-“Give me Faith” by Elevation Worship

Another month has come and gone and I am disappointed to realize I am the same person I was. I have not changed much and any change that has been happening doesn’t seem to be in a good way.

I feel myself becoming overwhelmed with the familiar feeling of fear. Fear of the unknown future, fear that this is the best there is for me, fear that God cannot make me whole or bring me what I need. I have no idea why it is so hard for me to let go. Why it is so hard for me to believe what God tells me. That when I fail, he never does. Maybe it’s because I feel like I am always failing.

I have no idea what to ask God for any more. I feel like the pain that I continually put myself through is creating resentment in me instead of gratefulness. I don’t want to stay in the place I am in. But I know that if I move out of this place, that I will go back to living life dependant on myself and all of this was for nothing. Or worse, that this is truly all there is for me.

I just don’t know what I want or need anymore.

I feel like I have been spending so much time doing what’s right for everyone, but not taking some time to do what’s right for me. Maybe I need to go back to spending some time by myself and with God. I love my friends and fully believe God is positioning people in my life for me to feed into their lives and love on them. But I’m starting to think I’m not in the place where I can do so. I feel like I’m back to always wanting to talk about my problems and when I do, I’m not sharing what God is doing in my life, just how bad I feel. None of that helps anyone.

Maybe I haven’t been sharing lately what God is doing in my life and situation because I don’t see it. Not that He isn’t working through every second, but that I am not stopping long enough to see it. I have been really busy lately and I was grateful at first to be distracted and not focused on how hard things are. But now I realize that all I did was push my dependency (yet again) on something else, not God. I was happy because I was distracted, but that is temporary and does nothing to grow or change my life.

What to do now? Where to go from here?

Back to the same I suppose. Back to getting to know myself and God. Back to my never-ending task of learned to live in less of me and more of Him.

I first heard the song above the weekend before last and I love it. Seriously it’s like it was taken right out of my own thoughts. I feel my heart hardening and I need to God to soften it again so that my eyes can be opened to what He is doing, so that He may be glorified through my life and pain. I need Him to pierce through the darkness I am wading through and cleanse all the doubt I have, all the fears I hide behind, to make me whole where no one and nothing else can.

Most of all, I need to be reminded that if He says He is enough, then He must be. I need faith to trust Him. To trust that this is just the beginning of the great things He is doing here; in my life, in my heart, in this world.

I live in fear because I am weak and I fail, but God is strong and He never fails. True surrender cannot come with out firm faith that this is true. So I guess the best thing I can ask God for right now is: “Give me faith to trust what you say, that you’re good and your love is great. I’m broken inside, I give you my life.”

Living in faith, not doubt

“Never undo in doubt what you did in faith.”

-Unknown friend of a friend (posted on facebook)

The weekends have become a tough time for me. I guess I depend on the structure of the workweek. Having a reason to get up, knowing I will see people, knowing I will see certain people, knowing for the most part what each day will hold, knowing there’s another one coming if the current one doesn’t give the desired result. The unstructured weekend has become something I fear.

I had decided this week that I would attempt to take a little time (specifically this weekend) to spend somewhat by myself. Sure I like my couple hours alone time to do what I want as much as anyone else. But when you live by yourself and most of your close friends are married, a couple hours can turn into days if you don’t make an effort to go to them. Spending time alone is hard, but it’s one of those things you need to attempt to do because it is important. Much like pushing through the pain in exercising, you grow from it being tough.

I think spending some time alone is wise right now because I am really confused. I have so many thoughts and feelings and I will be honest and admit I’m not really sure which are mine, which are from God, and which are from the enemy. My mood & resolve sometimes change by the minute and it is so frustrating.   

Faith is a hard concept and one I have been struggling with consistently. Faith is defined as, “an unusual ability to trust in the presence and power of God and to act on that trust.” The belief part isn’t so much a problem for me. I have believed in the presence and the power of God most of my life. It’s the acting on that belief that I have such a hard time with.

This whole time I have been resting on the belief that God was telling me to wait. That waiting (since I am such a controlling person) is my faith-induced action. That learning to do that is a lot of what this time is about. Lately though, I have been doubting that not doing anything to at least resolve some of my issue was a mistake. Things seem unnecessarily complicated by waiting. That all the time that is passing is keeping things from being resolved rather than healing them.

This is how doubt works. You start to question even what you feel deep down. It makes you start to undo what you did in faith. Every day I struggle not to do something (or enable one of my sweet friends to do for me) that doesn’t line up with waiting till God gives me the go-ahead to move. I even stopped and prayed right now as I’m writing that waiting is indeed what God is telling me to do. I think the real problem is that it’s just not what I want to hear. And every time I consider seeking answers or movement on my own, I just know it’s not the right thing for me to do. That’s how I know it’s what God wants. That’s one exciting thing that is coming out of this; I am starting to hear God clearer everyday, even in the haze.

Even logic tells me that it must be a faith-driven feeling. Other than my pride and/or the fear of getting hurt farther, there is no good reason for me not to attempt to resolve some of my issue. Simple words (although knowing me they would include waterworks) would go a long way to at least getting some absolution. But I just have this gut wrenching feeling that I should just wait (even though I hate it). That it’s not my place and that honestly my intentions aren’t in the right place anyway. Truth is, I just want my happy ending or the proof that my happy ending is going to be found else ware. I still don’t think I’m ready to place my desires aside for those of Christ’s.

Trust is a hard concept for me. Daily I wrestle with the thoughts that my action (or in this case lack of action) determines my future. Because I continue to forget, God is constantly reminding me that He wrote my future back before I was even a thought to anyone on this planet. I keep hearing Him say, “I’ve got this, stop worrying, stop looking for ways to do it yourself, I’ve got this!” 

My favorite song right now is “Healer” by Kari Jobe, my biggest prayer is that one day I can say these words and believe them more than anything I know or feel:

You hold every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe You're my portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus, You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You

“Jesus you are all I need.’ These words are what a true relationship with Christ is about. This trust, full trust that no matter what, God “has got this,” is what every second of this struggle in my life is about. I don’t know why He is putting me through it so strongly (seemingly more so than most around me). Maybe I’m just a slow learner and a tough student. Maybe it’s for something bigger than even I can imagine. Who knows.

I keep thinking that every day is a waste, that these are days that I could be doing something with my life. But truth is, these are the days that are preparing God to do something with my life. I selfishly keep asking: why me? Why do I have to learn so much? I’m perfectly content with average. But average living and average God-loving is an insult to Him.    

I know I need to stop focusing on getting what I want and accepting that this is where God needs me to be right now. Living in fear and doubt just undermine what He is doing, the whole purpose for my existence. But living out my trust in Him through faith, that is the ultimate way I can glorify Him.