accepting what is and letting go of what’s not

“Life is not about having and getting, but being and becoming.”

-         Matthew Arnold

So, as you can tell it has been quite a while since I have updated, almost 3 months. I was busy with trips, holidays and just life in general. According to my flash drive where I keep all the original copies of my writing this is my 50^th entry. So as you can see I had been enjoying writing. So, other than being busy, what kept me from it? Those who have read the previous ones have to know that this blog had become a source of comfort, reflection, and catharsis.  That being said, what reason could I have to keep me away? Honestly, there are so many.

I am a major procrastinator; I hate starting something (seriously I put off so much not because I mind doing it/reading it/writing it etc, I just don’t always know where to start). I have been wanting to pick it back up lately because I know it is so good for me and hopefully one day, somehow, somewhere these words can help someone else. I got back in the habit of making notes about things I have learned and wanted to write about (although this one I am just writing as things come to me). I just could not bring myself to sit down and start…well until now!

I also began to get caught up in all the other fun things there are to do in life that bring pleasure but don’t require much of your resources. I love movies, games, etc. Things that bring me enjoyment but don’t require me to place my feelings, morals, and resources at the forefront and consequently at the disposal of anyone who learns to successfully navigate the Internet. It’s easier to spend my free hour(s) doing things that create instant gratification rather than things like this where it exposes the reality that true happiness & satisfaction is something we can only begin to grasp on our time here on earth.

Another reason, probably the biggest one, I just did not want to deal with my problems. Or maybe more likely I didn’t want God to get to tell me to give them to Him.

A huge thing happened in the 3 months I have lived since I sat down with my computer like this; God answered my prayers. It certainly wasn’t in the way I want or would have done things, but he rarely does. One day (around the first of the year) I just woke up and was ready to let it go. I was finally ready to accept that this is my life and who I am and that the thing I couldn’t let go was no longer right for this life, my life. I began to accept what is and let go of what’s not.

In print it seems like this clean, neat little roundup, but it’s not. I still hurt from time to time, I still feel the sting of loneliness, rejection, fear of the unknown, and sadness for the life I thought would be mine. I still wish we had made better choices. I still wish I had done a better job of listening to God’s direction instead of interpreting the actions of this life as His directions. I still wish things were uncomplicated and easy.

 But for the first time I started looking forward to the future. I began to get excited about what God can do with me and my life. Right here: incomplete and needy, but blessed and loved. I’m perfect in my imperfection and for once ok with that.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not happy with how life is right now. There’s so much more I want. But I can say there is peace here. Maybe life is not the way I want, but I am so blessed and know that “the best times of your life have not yet been lived” (<~best fortune cookie statement ever!). 

I look back at the last year of my life and I see so much change. Some was excruciatingly painful and I would gladly never go through it again. But there was also so much laughter, joy, and fun.

I know I have a lot of growing left to do, but I am proud of myself. I am taking REAL steps in my life right now to make healthy permanent changes. Looking back I can’t say I am happy with all that happened or with the choices I made, but I can see a trail of growth that was probably long overdue. I am so thankful that we have a God that doesn’t let anything happen without purpose. I’m just glad He is giving me a chance to see some of that purpose. It makes it a little bit easier everyday to accept what is in this life and begin to let go of what’s not.



Saying goodbye to my preconceived life

My heart beats, standing on the edge

But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat

There’s no turning back

I’m letting go

Of the life I planned for me

And my dreams

I’m losing control

Of my destiny

It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe

So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith

Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown

Beyond my comfort zone

Giving in to your gravity

Knowing You are holding me

I’m not afraid

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe

Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

-“I’m Letting Go” by Francesca Battistelli

I have always thought I knew how my life would go. Being the OCD control freak I am, I even planned the whole thing out. As the years have come and gone, I just saw that as God pushing those plans back, not changing them or potentially taking them away. I mean, who am I without them? I don’t know any other way or any other life.

Based on my desires and with the example of other strong Christian’s lives around me, I believed there is a formula to how my life will go. If I’m honest with myself, I still do. So, now that my life no longer fits the “plan” and the formula no longer applies, I just feel lost. I spend most of my day dreaming about getting that plan (or at least the part that’s gone) back or fearing that I will never get it at all. I don’t mean to sound like I doubt God has the power to do whatever He chooses; I’m just starting to fear that maybe those plans were never meant to be my life.

Granted, a lot of this is brought on by my dramatic tendencies, stress, and my never-ending exhaustion. But I just feel like I don’t understand so much of what God is doing. Don’t get me wrong, A LOT of it I do. I see why I NEEDED the struggle and how it is changing me. I see how I never would have changed without it. But I just don’t see how some of the distractions from that growth (steps that were clearly placed by God) are in my path. I feel like they keep me from growing, keep me struggling for control.

It is crazy to look up and realize I have come to know myself so well. It is discouraging to see that means I am still prone to destructive tendencies in my life. It’s sad to see how I hurt myself over and over again. I am learning that it is impossible to move on by myself. I just don’t have the will or a way. And either God doesn’t want me to right now (because let’s be honest things aren’t going to happen without is say-so) or I’m broken beyond repair. I’m going to guess it’s the first because why else would God bother (plus He puts us just where He wants us).     

I don’t doubt God’s power or what He is doing here. Everything that happens, He either brings or allows. It’s the “me” part I don’t have much faith in. I feel so caught up in what I want/have/don’t want/don’t have. This growth period isn’t just about God changing who I am, but how I live and how I think. Maybe some of the hold up is that I don’t necessarily want all that change.                        

The lyrics above are not a statement; I cannot honestly say that is how I feel. They are a dream, a prayer. I wish I could let go. I truly believe that if I ever could, I would finally feel free. I don’t feel free right now, I feel trapped in a life I don’t want & certainly didn’t ask for. But to quote Yancey Arrington (I believe I have used this before), “God’s will is not giving you everything you want but everything He wants for you.”

I feel like I need to start finding ways to say goodbye to my preconceived life. God may (and most likely one day will) choose to give me those desires; He probably placed most of them on my heart. But if He does not, I have two options: spend my life mourning what I don’t have or find a way (with God’s help) to accept that they are not mine. That’s a lot of what I have been struggling with lately. Letting go of the life I thought would be mine, the family I thought I would have, and they way I thought things would go. Accepting that I may never get those things back.

I start to feel panic at the thought of not having control. Some of the only way I get by the belief I know how this is going to turn out. But truth is I don’t. Who knows, I might die tomorrow and all of this was for someone else’s growth. We aren’t guaranteed any of it. Just that God is in control and has a purpose to all He does. I want to be encouraged by that and am ashamed that mostly I still just fear. I still don’t know how to accept that what I want, feel, and have aren’t what this life is about. 

Tonight I ask God to prime my heart for the next stage: acceptance. Until I accept what I can’t change, I can’t accept the beauties in what God is changing and where this change is going. Is this where you are? Consider asking God to help you let go.