Time to get back to climbing

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

-Carl Rogers @ TWLOHA

Anger and bitterness have officially entered the building. They seem to be taking up residence in my home (of little ole me). For a while, I have felt myself moving toward loving feelings about my situation. Looking for ways to accept that I am going through a tough time and it’s to make me a better person (which I do still believe). But now I feel like I am resorting to resentment about things, especially a few people who have perpetuated my situation.

I know anger/resentment/bitterness is a normal part of moving on. But I feel like this isn’t a healthy type of anger, it’s a damaging one. You see, this kind of anger makes me not want to run to God. It makes me want to hurt someone as bad as I hurt. It makes me want to fester in my own obsession (because that’s the real root of my problem here, I’m obsessed with what I am going through).

This type of anger makes me not want to believe there is any other purpose here than to try and fail. It makes me resent others who have what I want instead of asking for what I want and believing one day God has that planned for me. The problem with this kind of anger is that it makes me feel like I just don’t care. And let’s be honest, caring has never been a problem for me. I care too much.

I kind of feel like I am at the edge of just taking things into my own hands to get some answers. I feel like if I just get the answers I need (even if they are bad), I can get some absolution. I almost took up an offer a friend made to me to help that along. I want some answers bad. I want some action bad. BUT yet again, God intervened before I had the chance to make any mistakes (for myself or others).

I have been feeling lately like maybe I made a mistake letting so much time pass without resolving some of the issues on my mind. I have been afraid that I’m changing too much and the others involved have too. I keep forgetting that the change that is happening (maybe even the bad patch I’m going through) is a good thing (in the end). And I definitely keep forgetting that God changes our hearts, he dictates our steps. As usual, my deductive reasoning skills may be keeping me in the absolutes area (black and white). I just keep thinking I know how people feel (and as a result, what will happen) just based on the limited view I have of what I see. But truth is I don’t really know anything and getting the answers I want won’t change that. They may make me feel more capable of dealing with my situation, but I think the whole point of this is for God to teach me I don’t have any power here.

Once again, I am looking for something finite and earth-bound to place my dependency. I have shifted to the point that I’m not even sure what I want anymore, I am just desperate to not feel so sad, lonely, out of control, and confused. I can’t stop myself from thinking that if I know the other side of my situation, that I can decide how I feel. If I’m honest with myself, I should admit that that statement alone is a big part of the problem. I keep looking for a change to make me happy, to force me into where I want to be. But the reality is, I’m not going to be happy no matter what happens.

The quote up top not only applies to myself, but my situation. Truth is until I accept my situation for what it is, I can’t change. Until I realize God isn’t going to give me what I want just because I want it, I can’t accept it. That true happiness isn’t going to come when I get a promotion, find the love of my life, have kids, write a book, or any other miscellaneous situation I could come up with happens. That change won’t occur until I stop asking for it to be fair or holding a grudge because it’s not. That it’s not going to make a difference how much time goes by or if I sit in the corner stomping my feet like a child.

Not a single thing I do changes what God is doing. I think it’s so easy to feel like we have the power to make things right or to ruin God’s plans, but we don’t. Truth is, no matter what I do, God will make things right in the end. I can go crazy and leave the mess for God to pick up (which He inevitably will have to do) or I can sit back, be patient, and be a part of what He is doing. I keep letting my sinful, selfish nature tell me that if I don’t do something, then eventually it will be too late. But the God of the Impossible says that He has everything in His perfect timing.

Once again, while I just wanted to cower and lick my wounds or lash out at the nearest person (and I’m sad to say I have done both today), God had another plan. He sent me to another very cool resource. Hope you take a minute and check out this article:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/23013-finding-your-knees-again      

Where the author is suffering something far worse than I am, he says, “We all have our challenges and afflictions, all of them different because we are all different people. One person’s affliction is no worse than anyone else's—they are all designed to serve some purpose. The key is not to avoid them, but rather to learn from them.” He says that God is bringing us to those places because He needs to get our attention. I think a lot of my problem is that I don’t want God to have my attention. I want to do my thing. I’m tired of hurting and working so hard to grow.

“God also wants us to walk closer to Him and develop a greater intimacy with Him because He loves us too much to let us stagnate or backslide. So after He gets our attention, He will attempt to purge from us sins that are holding us back from living the extraordinary life He has planned for us. Mine was pride. I see that now and would never have come to this conclusion without the affliction and challenges I’ve had to go through.” Truth is, I think this is the stage I am in. God is trying to purge me of my self-involved way of thinking. But like breaking any bad habit, it hurts immensely.

I have realized some of my problem is that I can’t stop talking about my problem. I will find myself bringing subjects up with my friends so that they have a reason to ask me about my situation and give me an excuse to go on and on about it. This, needless to say, just keeps feeding the obsession I have of my own situation (and although they won’t admit it, I think it’s driving my friends nuts). I decided the first step I can take is to stop talking about it with people. Yeah right…if you know me, you know I talk A LOT. I’m trying, but literally I can’t even make it through one conversation (some of that is because of my unique situation-again being vague to keep something’s private for the sake of others). However, I feel like if I don’t try to keep control of that part of my situation, it will keep controlling me.

Another thing I think I might try is to spend some time alone, and not just watching TV, but praying and thinking about how I feel. For those who don’t know me, this is not something I am excited about. I like my own alone time as much as anyone to do the things I want (listen to my own music, watch TV or movies, read books, etc). But I certainly do not like to take time by myself on a regular basis (I’ve had a lot of alone time in the past, I’m over being alone) and I like spending time with my friends. But a lot of my continued obsession lies in the fact that I can’t get away from part of it (not at work, with friends, etc). Because of that, I’m not getting enough time away from the situation to figure out how I feel independent of it.

As I have said before, I have no idea why God is putting me in the position He is, but that there is a purpose and I believe part of it is just overcoming that circumstance. I keep feeling like if I get what I want, then everything will be ok. That even if I just get a glimpse of the future, I can be ok. But truth is I know that isn’t the case. The last week and half is proof of that. I keep feeling like knowledge is the key to being free from what is holding me back from life. From being happy, moving on, acceptance, growth. But the truth is I need so much more than to know God’s plan. I need to allow myself to be a part of it. Catch is, it has to be a hands-off part.

Yancey Arrington in his book “Tap: Defeating The Sins That Defeat You” says, Pick whatever sin you are struggling with and at it’s baseline you will discover it ultimately is a spiritual issue. This means you need spiritual resources to address it. Paul emphasizes that only those indwelt by God’s Spirit can defeat sin in the manner God wants.” Yet again I am reminded that the step I am supposed to be working on is with Him, not my other situation. And that I can only conquer it His way. My way just leads me in this never-ending circle of defeat I am already in.

Truth is, I still have a lot of unresolved issues with God, but they aren’t about Him. The true root of my unhappiness is me. Guess it’s time to start climbing again. I just need to let Christ carry me. He is the only way I can reach the top. 

The Necessity for Honesty

Sunday's Post

I chose not to write/post yesterday for multiple reasons. For one, I was gone most of the day with my family and when I got home I was exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and the events of the day had me worn out (and a little sunburned and I always get sick as a result, boo!). The other reason is that I felt like I had nothing but negative to write about.

As much as I want consistency for this blog, I want intentionality more. I would love the gratification that would come from having the discipline to never miss a day posting, but the reality is I don’t really have that anyway and that’s not what I want this to be about. So I chose not to post, because I wasn’t in the mind frame to hear and impart what I felt like God was teaching me. Honestly, I did not care.

One of my goals here is to be honest (while maintaining some discretion for the benefit of others and the little bit of pride I have left, haha). The honesty of my situation is that I am realizing I have a little beef with God. It’s hard to say or admit that to myself and anyone else, but it’s true. I don’t think God says that’s bad, He created us with emotions. But what He doesn’t want is for us not to come to Him to deal with that anger or worse, continue to deny it exists at all. That’s what I’ve done this past week after hearing last weekend’s news. I have been running from God and harboring this grudge toward Him. I’m not even sure that’s what I meant to do. It’s just what’s happening.

At the risk of sounding like a ten year old, I just really feel like my current situation is really unfair (ok, ok, cue the “life isn’t fair speech”). I totally get that, I say the same thing. But I can’t help but be angry. Angry that my situation can’t be like everyone else who has been through this. I don’t want to be special, I don’t want the purpose, I just want to be average. I just want to be like everyone else. I feel bad saying that, because I know there are a lot of people who would trade their circumstance for mine. But, again, I said I want to be honest and that’s just how I feel.

I feel a little bit of anger about being left out of the loop. I know I have no right to ask for God to tell me anything and that He is definitely doing me a favor by keeping it from me, but I still selfishly hold onto that anger. Knowing that faith is definitely not my spiritual gift, I feel like that’s the hardest part of my situation. Logically I know God has such a wonderful plan in place. One that’s so beautiful that when I look back I’m going to look at this time with the fondest memories because they got me to that place. But knowing that doesn’t keep me from hating it now and feeling slightly bitter about it.

I feel like my irrational anger also turns me toward a fear of God. Not a healthy respectful fear, but a fear of Him and His plan. As totally unfair toward Him it is, I feel afraid to want things. I’m afraid He will take them from me. I feel like in some ways I am being punished.

**I  want to stop here and emphasize my use of the word FEEL. These are my current self-involved feelings NOT facts. God does not punish (He may guide, but not with the intention to hurt you, but to grow you). The reality is that all the things I am going through are necessary (although some of it, I have no idea why).

Not to end on a bad note, but I’m just not sure where to go from here. I know God is telling me to move my focus back on Him, that’s where I was doing better, but I’m not gonna lie it’s really hard. I, I, I, me, me, me. That’s all it feels like I think about: what I want. But I also remember saying I want more. I don’t just want the kind of life built within the limited view of my mind’s possibilities. I want the limitless ones that come with the blessings of the God of the Impossible.

Yancey Arrington (CCCC Teaching Pastor) said, “God’s will isn’t giving you everything you want but everything He wants for you.” Angry or not, I can’t deny how important that statement is. To be honest, my anger is rooted out of my shallow human belief that any of this (or worst, all of this) is about me. God isn’t wasting His time giving me what I want (He’d just end up fixing my mess anyway). He’s forming in me what He wants while I sit in the corner having my ten-year-old temper tantrum.

As hard as it is, I need to realize my need to accept that I am angry and bring that anger before God. Only He has the power to do what I can’t and set me back on the right path. I considered not finishing this post because I still feel angry. But God is already working on that anger by giving me the words to say. The next thing I can do is to keep giving Him my problems instead of focusing on why they are happening, for what purpose, and how unfair it seems. I am completely powerless to stop it anyway. Seriously, God has boxed me into a corner that I can’t run away from (short of quitting my job, dropping all my friends, etc). He undoubtedly has a reason. I just need to accept it, even if I never know what that is.

By being honest with myself and God, even about the bad stuff, I give the power of my life to the only one who has the power to control it. At least it’s in good hands.

Making it through the night

“We rely on God for what we need today and let God take care of tomorrow.”

-CCCC Growth G-Pack, Week 3 “Practicing Prayer”

I am definitely learning that I am my own greatest deterrent to growth. Sometimes I question if that’s even what I want for myself. If I even truly want more. It’s so easy to fall back into the easy, empty way of living.

I don’t know what it was about today, but for some reason, against my better judgment, I convinced myself today would be the day that things would be different. For a while it was. For the most part it was pretty upbeat and I felt peaceful. I allowed myself, for just a while, to believe that was my indication that maybe I was growing enough or had grown enough that things were about to move. That maybe soon I would get to move out of this waiting phase. You see, as much as I know it’s essential I go through it, I hate it so much. I mentioned yesterday that I feel like I have wasted so much of the last 10 years. I’m ready to move toward something and yet again, I feel like God is saying to wait.

I would be lying if I said I was at peace with that. I absolutely am not. I’m tired of the waiting. I’m tired, period. It’s so hard to look at your life and feel like you have no idea how you got there or where you are going.

I fight myself more than anything. I fight against my need to control every facet of my situation knowing that I only know a part of the puzzle of what God has in store. I break my own heart with endless expectations of how things should or could be. I make something out of everything and nothing. I make me miserable.

This is a hard night for me; the enemy knows that and is trying to defeat me. But I refuse. I have known far greater pain than this and have survived it. I just have to hold on until this night is over. Deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.  

I started writing this blog early in the night because I was nothing but unhappy and hoped I would gain some insight by writing or at least get out some pent up feelings. I was lonely and for once wishing someone else would reach out to me. Thankfully, one of my closest friends did. In the hour we spent talking, crying, & laughing, two other friends did too, but those for help of their own. God always manages to teach me even when I’m interested.

I have been reminded tonight that just because I feel alone, doesn’t mean God hasn’t surrounded my life with people who care about me. I am so thankful for that. But He also reminded me that focusing on others rather than just my sadness goes a long way toward dealing with my “rut”. That’s what this whole life is about right? Loving each other and receiving love.   

I have been so consumed with me tonight. What I feel, don’t feel, should feel, can’t feel, want to feel. I’ve been thinking about the fact I have no idea what is from God and what is just me looking for what I want. I’m reminded of the chapter in “When God writes your life story” by Eric & Leslie Ludy that I mentioned a few days ago. Christ says, “Abide in Me.” 

The Ludy’s say, “Choosing the right college, the right career, the right ministry, and the right spouse is important. But most of us become so caught up in trying to make those key decisions that we fail to build on the foundation stone of a successful life-bringing our entire existence under the control of God Almighty every hour of every day. When we abide in Christ, all the other pieces in our life supernaturally fall into place. The more we abide in Christ, the less we have to wonder the specific steps He wants us to take in life. We will just know. But it is all too easy to get caught up in seeking answers rather than simply seeking Him. So when I need to make a decision and no answers seem to be coming my way, I take my focus off “solving the problem” and simply spend time in the presence of my King. And inevitably, as I focus on Him, the answers become clear.”

I have been discouraged tonight because I have been feeling the hopelessness I experienced when this time started. I found myself saying things and feeling things I know aren’t true. I KNOW that no matter how I feel, nothing is hopeless because God has me just where He wants me. I jus have a hard time accepting I need to stay here for a while. I still need to get to know Him better. As I do, I will eventually see progression and feel less confused.

I have been saying how confused I am, but I think the reality is that I just don’t like the answer God is giving me. But God isn’t in the business of creating just happiness but wholeness. What a merciful savior that He won’t let me out of this place till I’m ready for what’s next.

Is hopelessness knocking at your door? Seek Him; even if the answers He gives aren’t what you want, they are what you need.

  

The Open Floodgate

“Success in the end erases all the mistakes along the way.”

-Chinese Proverb

It’s funny how you can look back on life and have it seem so surreal. How you see the decisions you made (or didn’t make) in life change and mold you. Good and bad things in good and bad ways.

It’s kind of refreshing to see life from someone else’s perspective. I had the honor of spending some time with an old friend today. I know it’s hard to believe, but I often shy away from spending time one on one with people I’m not super close to. I don’t mean that to seem like I don’t like them, the pressure of that situation just freaks me out. I guess maybe it has something to do with the fear of not bring able to get out of an uncomfortable situation. Who knows, maybe I’m just weird. It most likely has to do with the fact that my sister and I come in a pair. Seriously, she’s like an extension of me. I seriously think we share the same heart. We always had the same friends and as a result, there wasn’t always a lot of time for one on one time in our group of friends.

Lately I have been feeling like God is putting a few friends on my heart. Some are friends I have been thinking of for a while and have wanted to reach out to. Some have reached out to me. I want desperately for God to be able to use this time in my life to help other people, those who are not as fortunate as I am to have such a strong spiritual support system. But it’s hard to be there for others when I am so consumed with what’s on my mind. You see, I am learning that is the biggest indicator of a problem for me. When I start to forget that God has a plan for me right now that’s much bigger than me and my problems. Today was hard for me in that respect. I kinda wanted to do my own thing today instead of look to God to help me continue to work on them. He of course had a different plan.         

The time I spent with my friend was so much more rewarding for me than I expected. I had confided some of my current frustrations with her and she wanted to drop by and talk about it. Be an open ear and possibly shed some light. I knew she thought she could help me, but I have to admit I felt like God was sending her my way so that I could talk about Him, so I could help her. Where that was true, we had a really great talk about salvation and faith and I sincerely hope it made a difference for her. But I feel a little fooish for forgetting that I have things for God to teach me too and He often does it in ways I would not have and could not imagine.

It’s interesting to find out you have so much in common with someone you have known so long and not realize it. Seriously, this girl is so much like me it’s not funny. We have a similar personality and think the same way. We both look for acceptance in the wrong things, we both feel guilt in waves, and we both lean a bit toward the crazy side (haha). Talking to someone who sees life similar to myself was refreshing, but it was also humbling.

As much as she and I share feelings, thoughts, and some behaviors, our hearts are in completely different places. To hear the choices she has made and the result of these choices paint a picture of who I very easily could have become.

I want to stop there and make sure I clarify that I love this person very much and am not trying to be judgmental. She has been on my heart for a long time and I am very proud of how she is forming into a very wise woman as a result of her experiences. I am proud of how she is taking control of her life and doing what is best for her and her family. I think God is pulling at her heart right now. I am so excited for what He can do if she listens. She has encouraged me and I bet she doesn’t even realize it. If you are reading this or come across it, you mean so much to me, friend.

But she has made decisions in her life she regrets. She is paying the price for many of them right now. I mentioned feeling humbled as a result of talking to her. I feel like talking to her gave me a look at who I could have become, the life I could be working like crazy to overcome and better had I not been given the incredible family and friends I have. I am not who I am as a result of my willpower, but of the support, guidance, and loving care of those around me.  

I started out today wanting to just get one day for me. But it doesn’t work that way. I look back at the last decade of my life (well almost decade). I have almost been an adult (at least by society’s view) ten years. I have had an amazing last ten years. But I can’t help feeling like I also spent a lot of that time wasting time. I look at so many of my friends who have been through so much tougher times than I am having now. So many of them are just having a tough time right now. And I just wonder why it seems like I am the only one fighting so hard, literally giving all I’ve got to grow. I think it’s because I am finally tired of wasting time. But, like I mentioned yesterday, if we ask God for change and truly want to experience it, we have to put in the effort.

  

I think I unconsciously ran from God today. Not trying to say I don’t want Him or need Him, but just looking for a break. The catch is, when you open the floodgate, there’s no closing it, the water just keeps rushing through. Just because I forget to work on my relationship with Christ, doesn’t mean He did. As usual I spent a fair bit of my day worrying and obsessing  (I know, imagine that) about my future. But God spent my day showing me what I mean to Him. I am so thankful for those in my life and the many blessings I have been given. I used to naively look at life and feel like I was cheated out of passion and excitement. I realize now that although I have plenty I regret in life, I also can be so thankful God shielded me from making many other mistakes.

We are who we are as a result of where we have been. My hope for you is that no matter what your past; good, bad, or some combination of the two, you are thankful for what God has done. It has all been preparation for what He has next, and if you let Him use you, it’s going to be huge!

Habit-Forming Ideas



What do we really want in life? Have any of us ever stopped and asked ourselves that? I always hear people say, “I want to be a better person. I want to have a better life. I want to do/understand God’s will for my life.” I know these statements all too well. I have said them. I still say them. But what are we really asking for? I know I am guilty of coming before God asking for help and then getting right back up and going back to the same place I was to begin with. My actions don’t reflect my words. I ask for change but am unwilling to work toward that change.

Reality is that most times when we ask for change, we just mean, “God make things better, but I’m gonna go back over here to my sin-infested life, let me know when to look for my happy ending.” We aren’t asking God to come into our lives and change us, to do His will; we just want our instant gratification. American’s are obsessed with the idea of instant gratification. We pretty much have instant anything & everything. Fast food, the Starbucks at every corner, credit cards for instant purchases, and even empty relationships forged over facebook reflect the extent we go to to get whatever we want right now. We don’t really have a “work for it” attitude.

How often is this line of thinking the way we treat God? How often I find myself going before Him for the quick save and then go back to my sinful existence. I feel emptiness and say I want change, but really I just mean I want a quick fix. But true change is anything but quick. It’s time consuming and painful. It requires legitimate work.

In order to truly experience a true internal change, it requires an external one as well. We can’t just decide to live a life loving on others if we don’t come before the creator of love. We can’t expect to run from our crutches and temptations if we don’t create a lifestyle that is devoid of them. We can’t live with new hearts and be the exact same as before.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you have to give away all of your possessions and live in a convent. Believe me, I’ve been thinking lately how it’s possible for any of us that don’t choose that. We are all going to have things we enjoy that aren’t particularly holy. We all have things we aren’t willing to give up. I’m not trying to lecture on walking away from life as you know it, I couldn’t and honestly wouldn’t be willing to do so. What I am saying is that removing some distractions or spending some time focusing on God instead of your circumstance is a good starting place.

They say it takes something like 28 days to form a habit. If that’s true, how can you expect to experience a God-led change when you can’t even take the time to spend 28 days with Him? Man, I wish this post had happened a few days from now, on my 28^th post. That would have been cool. ANYWAY J, prayer, scripture reading, a change of focus, and time with other believers who want the same things you do. All of these are good places to start learning to cultivate a life dependant on Christ. I can tell you now, most likely change is not going to happen until you move to a place where that’s how you feel. That you need Christ, that you desire that change more than anything else.

I understand how hard that statement is. I have been struggling for years with creating a balance between my God time and me time and I have to admit the scale was tipped severely low on (toward) the ‘me’ side. God, being the merciful friend He is, stepped in for me and did what I could not. He gave me a glimpse at how lost I can be if I kept going on that way. Believe me, I was perfectly content to continue on the way I was going. I’m still tempted to slip back into that. It was unfulfilling and lonely, but it was also easy.

Don’t get trapped by the lie the easy life tells you. God has shown me that if I don’t realize I need Him, that dependence on Him is the only way to get out of that place, then that’s all there can be for me. And He has promised He has so much more planned for me and for you.

Do you feel empty and want a change? Do you feel like you are getting ready to let Christ change your heart? If so, I urge you to consider some ways you can force an outward change in your life that leads you before Christ. See if it puts you one step closer to being dependant on Him today.



3 little words=meaning of life

“In John 15, Jesus said, “Abide in Me.” He meant, “Find the meaning of life in Me. Find your value and confidence in Me. Find your purpose and direction in Me. Find the source for all spiritual achievement in Me. Find the strength to live each moment in Me. Find the wisdom to navigate the many turns in life in Me. Find forgiveness from all your sins in Me. Find the satisfaction of boundless joy in Me. Find the most glorious peace in Me. Find the most perfect love and acceptance in Me. Find the most satisfying life for all eternity in Me. God created us to abide in Him. It’s that basic. Abiding in Him is our life’s purpose. Abiding in Him is what we were created for. Abiding in Him is why we are here.”

-Leslie Ludy from “When God Writes Your Life Story”

I don’t know about you, but I m used to running my own life. I am used living for myself and looking to what I achieve as my basis for how I feel. The idea that everything we feel, achieve, strive for, value, are looking for, etc can only be and should only be found by “abiding” in Christ is completely foreign to the way humans live. It is not our first, second, or even third instinct. Let’s be honest it probably doesn’t even break the top ten for most of us unless we are in desperate need. Humans in general kind of stink at abiding in Christ. I’m sure there are many reasons for this, the biggest one might be that we aren’t even sure what it means to do so.    

My good friend Webster defines the word abide as: to wait for, to endure without yielding, to bear patiently, to accept without objection. The new living translation uses the phrase “remain in me.” By getting a better understanding of the word abide, because let’s be honest most of us probably don’t use that word often in everyday conversations, we can maybe begin to get an idea of what Christ is asking of us here. He is asking us to wait for, endure without ceasing, and patiently accept HIM. He is asking us to forge a lifestyle that is immersed in Him.  

What would a life like that look like? I’m going to guess it would start out looking somewhat like the life I have been trying to juggle lately. Making time to spend with Christ getting to know Him better, understanding who His is and how He loves. I think it would involve getting to know myself better as a child of God, learning acceptance through Him instead of from others. It would undoubtedly involve loving other people and reaching out to bring a bit of Him to them. It would require a change of priorities as well as a desire for more of Christ. It would probably also require us to be honest with ourselves about any sin and distraction that is keeping us from striving to do the above things.  

God has taken it upon Himself to remove my biggest distraction. I most likely would not have been able or willing to do so myself. It still exists, but for the time being is out of my grasp, I have no ability to do anything about it. I have spent a lot of time upset about that, but I am coming to a place where I can be so grateful to God for doing what was best and necessary for me to grow while I am distraction free. Life won’t remain that way and taking the time to build spiritual endurance now will be invaluable then.

We think we will take the time to grow closer to Christ and forge a deeper relationship when things change, when there are fewer distractions. But reality is there will always be distractions, just different ones. In fact, our future distractions will be even more encompassing then our current ones. I’m kind of proud about how I have been prioritizing my time. I have been taking time every day to read and write which is teaching me so much. I am taking time to spend in prayer and mediate on how I feel about what God is teaching me. But reality is not everyone has the kind of time I have. I won’t always have this kind of time. Balance will always be hard and I need to be conscious of my need for more.  

I don’t want to spend my life dreaming about what I want. If I do that, then when I get it, it will be empty. I need to spend my life building a foundation for when I get what I dream. If the desires of my heart are placed there by God, He promises He will fulfill them. I have the choice to waste this time chasing them or growing in preparation of them. Henry David Thoreau said, “If you build castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.” God grants us the ability to dream, but we need His firm foundations to build up to them.

The act of learning to abide in Christ for all things is a long growing process. We cannot create that type of life on our own and it won’t happen fast or easily. It will most likely be painful as most growth is. It will require sacrifice and an exchange between us and Christ. To make a decision to do so requires EVERYTHING we’ve got. 

Have you been thinking about what it would take for you to give Christ your all? To abide in Him for everything? How can you begin to fashion your life to move toward growth?  

Loosening my grip

“It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of making new ones. The way we insist on believing that anything in this life is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience that change, that’s up to us. It can feel like death or a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, and go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment we can be born all over again.”

-Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

Change is a really hard thing for me. I don’t do well with it and have been known to brace my feet against the door and hold with all my might at the past. I guess it’s a fear of the unknown, a need to control, a lack of will. Maybe it’s simply the fear that what is to come won’t measure up. Maybe I forgot the phrase, “the best times of your life have not yet been lived.” Maybe it’s just simply a lack of faith. Faith that God has good things planned, that He has ALL things planned. Maybe it’s a little fear of that fact too.

I have mentioned before my need for comfort and contentment. I like living within my comfort zone. But, the only thing that’s wrong with being in that comfort zone is that nothing ever changes when you’re in it. My first thought is, yeah, that’s why I like it. It’s stable and unwavering. But it’s also a crutch. There’s no growth there. There’s no fulfillment. It’s like living in a perpetual existence of waiting and receiving no satisfaction. It’s also a lie.

Like the quote from Grey’s Anatomy (bite me, I like that show and you have to admit that statement is good…I left out all the science parts because I’m more a social sciences kinda person), change is constant. Think about life: our bodies, age, the seasons/weather, time, fashion styles, phrases, music, art, knowledge, and technology. All of those things change. They don’t necessarily disappear, but they become less relevant as that change occurs. They may influence our change, but they do not remain constant.

This is true of our past as well. Letting go of that past, or rather moving onto a new part of life is so hard. What if we never find that again? What if that’s the best it will ever be? What if it’s too hard to make new memories, accept new things, be different? What if moving on, changing, and/or growing means nothing IS permanent? That’s such a scary thought that we usually don’t even let it cross our minds. That’s the goal for most of us, right? Go to school, get a job, buy the house & stuff, build a family. It’s all in pursuit of building stability, to create permanence. 

But to think that we can escape change is, just as they said, unnatural. God created us for a need for change. The whole idea of surrendering your heart to Him is built upon the idea that we need a change to begin with. Growth is impossible if we cannot and will not change. Growth is a change. 

Where I am dealing with only subtle changes in my life (well they are huge to me), the real ones I am experiencing are within myself. It’s kind of confusing for me. I feel like I have been plucked from my existence, grown a decade and then placed back to live the same life. (Haha when I told my brother-in-law that he was like; well you haven’t aged a day. And I was like oh great, so I still look 13?). My desire to maintain stability, comfort, and avoid pain keep me from beginning the outward representation of that change in my life.

I feel like big change is around the corner for my life. I feel like God is using this time as a preparation for that change. There are specifically 5 areas in my life (myself, my relationship with God, the unspoken issue I mentioned yesterday, relationships with friends God is putting on my heart to love on, and my job) that I know for a fact God has big plans for me (and big changes in the somewhat near future) that He is readying me for. I am honestly excited and scared out of my mind. The strength alone required for those changes seems to be in short supply within me. I guess that’s why God keeps bringing me back to this place where He reminds me I can’t do it alone.

Realizing we have needs that we can’t fulfill on our own is a part of change too. Physical change is scary, but you learn to accept it whether you learn to love it or not. Emotional, spiritual, & psychological change, those must be developed. I’m learning first hand that it isn’t as simple as just accepting that change, we must grow to desire it as a part of our existence, our transformation. We all want to be better people; to know God’s will for our lives. He tells us in Romans 12:2a, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” God is calling us to real change.

Change is inevitable. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want it to feel like death for me. I want the “second chance at life.”

Will you embrace this and allow God to nurture your heart in preparation for the change He has in store? Or will you just keep cowering in fear?