Time to get back to climbing

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

-Carl Rogers @ TWLOHA

Anger and bitterness have officially entered the building. They seem to be taking up residence in my home (of little ole me). For a while, I have felt myself moving toward loving feelings about my situation. Looking for ways to accept that I am going through a tough time and it’s to make me a better person (which I do still believe). But now I feel like I am resorting to resentment about things, especially a few people who have perpetuated my situation.

I know anger/resentment/bitterness is a normal part of moving on. But I feel like this isn’t a healthy type of anger, it’s a damaging one. You see, this kind of anger makes me not want to run to God. It makes me want to hurt someone as bad as I hurt. It makes me want to fester in my own obsession (because that’s the real root of my problem here, I’m obsessed with what I am going through).

This type of anger makes me not want to believe there is any other purpose here than to try and fail. It makes me resent others who have what I want instead of asking for what I want and believing one day God has that planned for me. The problem with this kind of anger is that it makes me feel like I just don’t care. And let’s be honest, caring has never been a problem for me. I care too much.

I kind of feel like I am at the edge of just taking things into my own hands to get some answers. I feel like if I just get the answers I need (even if they are bad), I can get some absolution. I almost took up an offer a friend made to me to help that along. I want some answers bad. I want some action bad. BUT yet again, God intervened before I had the chance to make any mistakes (for myself or others).

I have been feeling lately like maybe I made a mistake letting so much time pass without resolving some of the issues on my mind. I have been afraid that I’m changing too much and the others involved have too. I keep forgetting that the change that is happening (maybe even the bad patch I’m going through) is a good thing (in the end). And I definitely keep forgetting that God changes our hearts, he dictates our steps. As usual, my deductive reasoning skills may be keeping me in the absolutes area (black and white). I just keep thinking I know how people feel (and as a result, what will happen) just based on the limited view I have of what I see. But truth is I don’t really know anything and getting the answers I want won’t change that. They may make me feel more capable of dealing with my situation, but I think the whole point of this is for God to teach me I don’t have any power here.

Once again, I am looking for something finite and earth-bound to place my dependency. I have shifted to the point that I’m not even sure what I want anymore, I am just desperate to not feel so sad, lonely, out of control, and confused. I can’t stop myself from thinking that if I know the other side of my situation, that I can decide how I feel. If I’m honest with myself, I should admit that that statement alone is a big part of the problem. I keep looking for a change to make me happy, to force me into where I want to be. But the reality is, I’m not going to be happy no matter what happens.

The quote up top not only applies to myself, but my situation. Truth is until I accept my situation for what it is, I can’t change. Until I realize God isn’t going to give me what I want just because I want it, I can’t accept it. That true happiness isn’t going to come when I get a promotion, find the love of my life, have kids, write a book, or any other miscellaneous situation I could come up with happens. That change won’t occur until I stop asking for it to be fair or holding a grudge because it’s not. That it’s not going to make a difference how much time goes by or if I sit in the corner stomping my feet like a child.

Not a single thing I do changes what God is doing. I think it’s so easy to feel like we have the power to make things right or to ruin God’s plans, but we don’t. Truth is, no matter what I do, God will make things right in the end. I can go crazy and leave the mess for God to pick up (which He inevitably will have to do) or I can sit back, be patient, and be a part of what He is doing. I keep letting my sinful, selfish nature tell me that if I don’t do something, then eventually it will be too late. But the God of the Impossible says that He has everything in His perfect timing.

Once again, while I just wanted to cower and lick my wounds or lash out at the nearest person (and I’m sad to say I have done both today), God had another plan. He sent me to another very cool resource. Hope you take a minute and check out this article:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/23013-finding-your-knees-again      

Where the author is suffering something far worse than I am, he says, “We all have our challenges and afflictions, all of them different because we are all different people. One person’s affliction is no worse than anyone else's—they are all designed to serve some purpose. The key is not to avoid them, but rather to learn from them.” He says that God is bringing us to those places because He needs to get our attention. I think a lot of my problem is that I don’t want God to have my attention. I want to do my thing. I’m tired of hurting and working so hard to grow.

“God also wants us to walk closer to Him and develop a greater intimacy with Him because He loves us too much to let us stagnate or backslide. So after He gets our attention, He will attempt to purge from us sins that are holding us back from living the extraordinary life He has planned for us. Mine was pride. I see that now and would never have come to this conclusion without the affliction and challenges I’ve had to go through.” Truth is, I think this is the stage I am in. God is trying to purge me of my self-involved way of thinking. But like breaking any bad habit, it hurts immensely.

I have realized some of my problem is that I can’t stop talking about my problem. I will find myself bringing subjects up with my friends so that they have a reason to ask me about my situation and give me an excuse to go on and on about it. This, needless to say, just keeps feeding the obsession I have of my own situation (and although they won’t admit it, I think it’s driving my friends nuts). I decided the first step I can take is to stop talking about it with people. Yeah right…if you know me, you know I talk A LOT. I’m trying, but literally I can’t even make it through one conversation (some of that is because of my unique situation-again being vague to keep something’s private for the sake of others). However, I feel like if I don’t try to keep control of that part of my situation, it will keep controlling me.

Another thing I think I might try is to spend some time alone, and not just watching TV, but praying and thinking about how I feel. For those who don’t know me, this is not something I am excited about. I like my own alone time as much as anyone to do the things I want (listen to my own music, watch TV or movies, read books, etc). But I certainly do not like to take time by myself on a regular basis (I’ve had a lot of alone time in the past, I’m over being alone) and I like spending time with my friends. But a lot of my continued obsession lies in the fact that I can’t get away from part of it (not at work, with friends, etc). Because of that, I’m not getting enough time away from the situation to figure out how I feel independent of it.

As I have said before, I have no idea why God is putting me in the position He is, but that there is a purpose and I believe part of it is just overcoming that circumstance. I keep feeling like if I get what I want, then everything will be ok. That even if I just get a glimpse of the future, I can be ok. But truth is I know that isn’t the case. The last week and half is proof of that. I keep feeling like knowledge is the key to being free from what is holding me back from life. From being happy, moving on, acceptance, growth. But the truth is I need so much more than to know God’s plan. I need to allow myself to be a part of it. Catch is, it has to be a hands-off part.

Yancey Arrington in his book “Tap: Defeating The Sins That Defeat You” says, Pick whatever sin you are struggling with and at it’s baseline you will discover it ultimately is a spiritual issue. This means you need spiritual resources to address it. Paul emphasizes that only those indwelt by God’s Spirit can defeat sin in the manner God wants.” Yet again I am reminded that the step I am supposed to be working on is with Him, not my other situation. And that I can only conquer it His way. My way just leads me in this never-ending circle of defeat I am already in.

Truth is, I still have a lot of unresolved issues with God, but they aren’t about Him. The true root of my unhappiness is me. Guess it’s time to start climbing again. I just need to let Christ carry me. He is the only way I can reach the top. 

The Necessity for Honesty

Sunday's Post

I chose not to write/post yesterday for multiple reasons. For one, I was gone most of the day with my family and when I got home I was exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and the events of the day had me worn out (and a little sunburned and I always get sick as a result, boo!). The other reason is that I felt like I had nothing but negative to write about.

As much as I want consistency for this blog, I want intentionality more. I would love the gratification that would come from having the discipline to never miss a day posting, but the reality is I don’t really have that anyway and that’s not what I want this to be about. So I chose not to post, because I wasn’t in the mind frame to hear and impart what I felt like God was teaching me. Honestly, I did not care.

One of my goals here is to be honest (while maintaining some discretion for the benefit of others and the little bit of pride I have left, haha). The honesty of my situation is that I am realizing I have a little beef with God. It’s hard to say or admit that to myself and anyone else, but it’s true. I don’t think God says that’s bad, He created us with emotions. But what He doesn’t want is for us not to come to Him to deal with that anger or worse, continue to deny it exists at all. That’s what I’ve done this past week after hearing last weekend’s news. I have been running from God and harboring this grudge toward Him. I’m not even sure that’s what I meant to do. It’s just what’s happening.

At the risk of sounding like a ten year old, I just really feel like my current situation is really unfair (ok, ok, cue the “life isn’t fair speech”). I totally get that, I say the same thing. But I can’t help but be angry. Angry that my situation can’t be like everyone else who has been through this. I don’t want to be special, I don’t want the purpose, I just want to be average. I just want to be like everyone else. I feel bad saying that, because I know there are a lot of people who would trade their circumstance for mine. But, again, I said I want to be honest and that’s just how I feel.

I feel a little bit of anger about being left out of the loop. I know I have no right to ask for God to tell me anything and that He is definitely doing me a favor by keeping it from me, but I still selfishly hold onto that anger. Knowing that faith is definitely not my spiritual gift, I feel like that’s the hardest part of my situation. Logically I know God has such a wonderful plan in place. One that’s so beautiful that when I look back I’m going to look at this time with the fondest memories because they got me to that place. But knowing that doesn’t keep me from hating it now and feeling slightly bitter about it.

I feel like my irrational anger also turns me toward a fear of God. Not a healthy respectful fear, but a fear of Him and His plan. As totally unfair toward Him it is, I feel afraid to want things. I’m afraid He will take them from me. I feel like in some ways I am being punished.

**I  want to stop here and emphasize my use of the word FEEL. These are my current self-involved feelings NOT facts. God does not punish (He may guide, but not with the intention to hurt you, but to grow you). The reality is that all the things I am going through are necessary (although some of it, I have no idea why).

Not to end on a bad note, but I’m just not sure where to go from here. I know God is telling me to move my focus back on Him, that’s where I was doing better, but I’m not gonna lie it’s really hard. I, I, I, me, me, me. That’s all it feels like I think about: what I want. But I also remember saying I want more. I don’t just want the kind of life built within the limited view of my mind’s possibilities. I want the limitless ones that come with the blessings of the God of the Impossible.

Yancey Arrington (CCCC Teaching Pastor) said, “God’s will isn’t giving you everything you want but everything He wants for you.” Angry or not, I can’t deny how important that statement is. To be honest, my anger is rooted out of my shallow human belief that any of this (or worst, all of this) is about me. God isn’t wasting His time giving me what I want (He’d just end up fixing my mess anyway). He’s forming in me what He wants while I sit in the corner having my ten-year-old temper tantrum.

As hard as it is, I need to realize my need to accept that I am angry and bring that anger before God. Only He has the power to do what I can’t and set me back on the right path. I considered not finishing this post because I still feel angry. But God is already working on that anger by giving me the words to say. The next thing I can do is to keep giving Him my problems instead of focusing on why they are happening, for what purpose, and how unfair it seems. I am completely powerless to stop it anyway. Seriously, God has boxed me into a corner that I can’t run away from (short of quitting my job, dropping all my friends, etc). He undoubtedly has a reason. I just need to accept it, even if I never know what that is.

By being honest with myself and God, even about the bad stuff, I give the power of my life to the only one who has the power to control it. At least it’s in good hands.

Making it through the night

“We rely on God for what we need today and let God take care of tomorrow.”

-CCCC Growth G-Pack, Week 3 “Practicing Prayer”

I am definitely learning that I am my own greatest deterrent to growth. Sometimes I question if that’s even what I want for myself. If I even truly want more. It’s so easy to fall back into the easy, empty way of living.

I don’t know what it was about today, but for some reason, against my better judgment, I convinced myself today would be the day that things would be different. For a while it was. For the most part it was pretty upbeat and I felt peaceful. I allowed myself, for just a while, to believe that was my indication that maybe I was growing enough or had grown enough that things were about to move. That maybe soon I would get to move out of this waiting phase. You see, as much as I know it’s essential I go through it, I hate it so much. I mentioned yesterday that I feel like I have wasted so much of the last 10 years. I’m ready to move toward something and yet again, I feel like God is saying to wait.

I would be lying if I said I was at peace with that. I absolutely am not. I’m tired of the waiting. I’m tired, period. It’s so hard to look at your life and feel like you have no idea how you got there or where you are going.

I fight myself more than anything. I fight against my need to control every facet of my situation knowing that I only know a part of the puzzle of what God has in store. I break my own heart with endless expectations of how things should or could be. I make something out of everything and nothing. I make me miserable.

This is a hard night for me; the enemy knows that and is trying to defeat me. But I refuse. I have known far greater pain than this and have survived it. I just have to hold on until this night is over. Deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.  

I started writing this blog early in the night because I was nothing but unhappy and hoped I would gain some insight by writing or at least get out some pent up feelings. I was lonely and for once wishing someone else would reach out to me. Thankfully, one of my closest friends did. In the hour we spent talking, crying, & laughing, two other friends did too, but those for help of their own. God always manages to teach me even when I’m interested.

I have been reminded tonight that just because I feel alone, doesn’t mean God hasn’t surrounded my life with people who care about me. I am so thankful for that. But He also reminded me that focusing on others rather than just my sadness goes a long way toward dealing with my “rut”. That’s what this whole life is about right? Loving each other and receiving love.   

I have been so consumed with me tonight. What I feel, don’t feel, should feel, can’t feel, want to feel. I’ve been thinking about the fact I have no idea what is from God and what is just me looking for what I want. I’m reminded of the chapter in “When God writes your life story” by Eric & Leslie Ludy that I mentioned a few days ago. Christ says, “Abide in Me.” 

The Ludy’s say, “Choosing the right college, the right career, the right ministry, and the right spouse is important. But most of us become so caught up in trying to make those key decisions that we fail to build on the foundation stone of a successful life-bringing our entire existence under the control of God Almighty every hour of every day. When we abide in Christ, all the other pieces in our life supernaturally fall into place. The more we abide in Christ, the less we have to wonder the specific steps He wants us to take in life. We will just know. But it is all too easy to get caught up in seeking answers rather than simply seeking Him. So when I need to make a decision and no answers seem to be coming my way, I take my focus off “solving the problem” and simply spend time in the presence of my King. And inevitably, as I focus on Him, the answers become clear.”

I have been discouraged tonight because I have been feeling the hopelessness I experienced when this time started. I found myself saying things and feeling things I know aren’t true. I KNOW that no matter how I feel, nothing is hopeless because God has me just where He wants me. I jus have a hard time accepting I need to stay here for a while. I still need to get to know Him better. As I do, I will eventually see progression and feel less confused.

I have been saying how confused I am, but I think the reality is that I just don’t like the answer God is giving me. But God isn’t in the business of creating just happiness but wholeness. What a merciful savior that He won’t let me out of this place till I’m ready for what’s next.

Is hopelessness knocking at your door? Seek Him; even if the answers He gives aren’t what you want, they are what you need.

  

The Open Floodgate

“Success in the end erases all the mistakes along the way.”

-Chinese Proverb

It’s funny how you can look back on life and have it seem so surreal. How you see the decisions you made (or didn’t make) in life change and mold you. Good and bad things in good and bad ways.

It’s kind of refreshing to see life from someone else’s perspective. I had the honor of spending some time with an old friend today. I know it’s hard to believe, but I often shy away from spending time one on one with people I’m not super close to. I don’t mean that to seem like I don’t like them, the pressure of that situation just freaks me out. I guess maybe it has something to do with the fear of not bring able to get out of an uncomfortable situation. Who knows, maybe I’m just weird. It most likely has to do with the fact that my sister and I come in a pair. Seriously, she’s like an extension of me. I seriously think we share the same heart. We always had the same friends and as a result, there wasn’t always a lot of time for one on one time in our group of friends.

Lately I have been feeling like God is putting a few friends on my heart. Some are friends I have been thinking of for a while and have wanted to reach out to. Some have reached out to me. I want desperately for God to be able to use this time in my life to help other people, those who are not as fortunate as I am to have such a strong spiritual support system. But it’s hard to be there for others when I am so consumed with what’s on my mind. You see, I am learning that is the biggest indicator of a problem for me. When I start to forget that God has a plan for me right now that’s much bigger than me and my problems. Today was hard for me in that respect. I kinda wanted to do my own thing today instead of look to God to help me continue to work on them. He of course had a different plan.         

The time I spent with my friend was so much more rewarding for me than I expected. I had confided some of my current frustrations with her and she wanted to drop by and talk about it. Be an open ear and possibly shed some light. I knew she thought she could help me, but I have to admit I felt like God was sending her my way so that I could talk about Him, so I could help her. Where that was true, we had a really great talk about salvation and faith and I sincerely hope it made a difference for her. But I feel a little fooish for forgetting that I have things for God to teach me too and He often does it in ways I would not have and could not imagine.

It’s interesting to find out you have so much in common with someone you have known so long and not realize it. Seriously, this girl is so much like me it’s not funny. We have a similar personality and think the same way. We both look for acceptance in the wrong things, we both feel guilt in waves, and we both lean a bit toward the crazy side (haha). Talking to someone who sees life similar to myself was refreshing, but it was also humbling.

As much as she and I share feelings, thoughts, and some behaviors, our hearts are in completely different places. To hear the choices she has made and the result of these choices paint a picture of who I very easily could have become.

I want to stop there and make sure I clarify that I love this person very much and am not trying to be judgmental. She has been on my heart for a long time and I am very proud of how she is forming into a very wise woman as a result of her experiences. I am proud of how she is taking control of her life and doing what is best for her and her family. I think God is pulling at her heart right now. I am so excited for what He can do if she listens. She has encouraged me and I bet she doesn’t even realize it. If you are reading this or come across it, you mean so much to me, friend.

But she has made decisions in her life she regrets. She is paying the price for many of them right now. I mentioned feeling humbled as a result of talking to her. I feel like talking to her gave me a look at who I could have become, the life I could be working like crazy to overcome and better had I not been given the incredible family and friends I have. I am not who I am as a result of my willpower, but of the support, guidance, and loving care of those around me.  

I started out today wanting to just get one day for me. But it doesn’t work that way. I look back at the last decade of my life (well almost decade). I have almost been an adult (at least by society’s view) ten years. I have had an amazing last ten years. But I can’t help feeling like I also spent a lot of that time wasting time. I look at so many of my friends who have been through so much tougher times than I am having now. So many of them are just having a tough time right now. And I just wonder why it seems like I am the only one fighting so hard, literally giving all I’ve got to grow. I think it’s because I am finally tired of wasting time. But, like I mentioned yesterday, if we ask God for change and truly want to experience it, we have to put in the effort.

  

I think I unconsciously ran from God today. Not trying to say I don’t want Him or need Him, but just looking for a break. The catch is, when you open the floodgate, there’s no closing it, the water just keeps rushing through. Just because I forget to work on my relationship with Christ, doesn’t mean He did. As usual I spent a fair bit of my day worrying and obsessing  (I know, imagine that) about my future. But God spent my day showing me what I mean to Him. I am so thankful for those in my life and the many blessings I have been given. I used to naively look at life and feel like I was cheated out of passion and excitement. I realize now that although I have plenty I regret in life, I also can be so thankful God shielded me from making many other mistakes.

We are who we are as a result of where we have been. My hope for you is that no matter what your past; good, bad, or some combination of the two, you are thankful for what God has done. It has all been preparation for what He has next, and if you let Him use you, it’s going to be huge!

3 little words=meaning of life

“In John 15, Jesus said, “Abide in Me.” He meant, “Find the meaning of life in Me. Find your value and confidence in Me. Find your purpose and direction in Me. Find the source for all spiritual achievement in Me. Find the strength to live each moment in Me. Find the wisdom to navigate the many turns in life in Me. Find forgiveness from all your sins in Me. Find the satisfaction of boundless joy in Me. Find the most glorious peace in Me. Find the most perfect love and acceptance in Me. Find the most satisfying life for all eternity in Me. God created us to abide in Him. It’s that basic. Abiding in Him is our life’s purpose. Abiding in Him is what we were created for. Abiding in Him is why we are here.”

-Leslie Ludy from “When God Writes Your Life Story”

I don’t know about you, but I m used to running my own life. I am used living for myself and looking to what I achieve as my basis for how I feel. The idea that everything we feel, achieve, strive for, value, are looking for, etc can only be and should only be found by “abiding” in Christ is completely foreign to the way humans live. It is not our first, second, or even third instinct. Let’s be honest it probably doesn’t even break the top ten for most of us unless we are in desperate need. Humans in general kind of stink at abiding in Christ. I’m sure there are many reasons for this, the biggest one might be that we aren’t even sure what it means to do so.    

My good friend Webster defines the word abide as: to wait for, to endure without yielding, to bear patiently, to accept without objection. The new living translation uses the phrase “remain in me.” By getting a better understanding of the word abide, because let’s be honest most of us probably don’t use that word often in everyday conversations, we can maybe begin to get an idea of what Christ is asking of us here. He is asking us to wait for, endure without ceasing, and patiently accept HIM. He is asking us to forge a lifestyle that is immersed in Him.  

What would a life like that look like? I’m going to guess it would start out looking somewhat like the life I have been trying to juggle lately. Making time to spend with Christ getting to know Him better, understanding who His is and how He loves. I think it would involve getting to know myself better as a child of God, learning acceptance through Him instead of from others. It would undoubtedly involve loving other people and reaching out to bring a bit of Him to them. It would require a change of priorities as well as a desire for more of Christ. It would probably also require us to be honest with ourselves about any sin and distraction that is keeping us from striving to do the above things.  

God has taken it upon Himself to remove my biggest distraction. I most likely would not have been able or willing to do so myself. It still exists, but for the time being is out of my grasp, I have no ability to do anything about it. I have spent a lot of time upset about that, but I am coming to a place where I can be so grateful to God for doing what was best and necessary for me to grow while I am distraction free. Life won’t remain that way and taking the time to build spiritual endurance now will be invaluable then.

We think we will take the time to grow closer to Christ and forge a deeper relationship when things change, when there are fewer distractions. But reality is there will always be distractions, just different ones. In fact, our future distractions will be even more encompassing then our current ones. I’m kind of proud about how I have been prioritizing my time. I have been taking time every day to read and write which is teaching me so much. I am taking time to spend in prayer and mediate on how I feel about what God is teaching me. But reality is not everyone has the kind of time I have. I won’t always have this kind of time. Balance will always be hard and I need to be conscious of my need for more.  

I don’t want to spend my life dreaming about what I want. If I do that, then when I get it, it will be empty. I need to spend my life building a foundation for when I get what I dream. If the desires of my heart are placed there by God, He promises He will fulfill them. I have the choice to waste this time chasing them or growing in preparation of them. Henry David Thoreau said, “If you build castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.” God grants us the ability to dream, but we need His firm foundations to build up to them.

The act of learning to abide in Christ for all things is a long growing process. We cannot create that type of life on our own and it won’t happen fast or easily. It will most likely be painful as most growth is. It will require sacrifice and an exchange between us and Christ. To make a decision to do so requires EVERYTHING we’ve got. 

Have you been thinking about what it would take for you to give Christ your all? To abide in Him for everything? How can you begin to fashion your life to move toward growth?  

A walk in my shoes for 30 days

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday. “
-John Wayne

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”

-Robert Frost

“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, far apart from Me you can do nothing.”

-Jesus Christ (John 15:5)

It has been one month today. What a difference 30 days makes. I am not the same person I was 30 days prior. I have accomplished 30 days more than I expected to. Today, my only goal is to remember what I have learned, that is what sets us free. So, 30 days later…

I am a stronger person, I have endured more pain than I had ever before and made it through. I am still just as broken as I was before, I want the same things and have the same needs. I have learned much including the fact that I have so much to learn.

I have put my tear ducts through a rigorous bootcamp and am proud to announce they are still intact, although I still try em out at least once a day to make sure they still work. I have learned new truths about myself, the extremely good (writing skills) and the painfully bad (what? I said it was painful, review my other posts if you want some ideas, I've already revealed so much, I kinda don’t want to rehash).

I've experienced love on a deeper level than I ever have in the support system of family and friends that I thank God every day I am so incredibly blessed to have. I have had the power and necessity for good music reinforced. But I have been taught that silence does not have to be a scary thing (or so they say).

New words have been added to my inside joke slang vocabulary: p word, quash, & Alice...if you know what these mean, you are the most dear to my heart & most likely one of the reasons I survived that 1st week. Comedies and laughing don’t hurt either. Also, there’s a Garden of Eden in Texas and the forbidden fruit is peaches, just fyi.

I have learned (but not necessarily successfully mastered) that it's alright to not be ok, to stop living with and by my expectations, that I can survive if things aren’t the way I expect them to be and just because I'm a controlling person, doesn't mean I have to control every situation. That feelings aren’t facts and just because I am an emotional person, doesn’t mean I have to be ruled by my emotions.

That God has put so many wise people in my life (of all ages), I can only hope to attain a fraction of that wisdom. That my nephew's laugh is the cure to (almost) all things-being an aunt is really fun (but steer clear of oreo’s, there is nothing but mess when you go down that path-seriously, he only had half and it was like a chocolate explosion)!

I have learned life is never the way you think it will be. That you can't escape pain. To be careful the choices you make, no matter how right they seem at the time, you can't go back and fix them. Don’t burn bridges, God puts you in each other’s paths for a reason and it may have nothing to do with you.

I have learned there are incredibly kind-hearted & cold-hearted people in my life but God calls us to treat them both with love & respect (even if those cold-hearted people deserve bad things, arg...lucky for them there is a merciful God).

I have learned that just because God chooses to be silent does not mean He is absent. That accepting who I am is the first step to understanding what I want & more importantly what I need. That until I learn some of this acceptance, I will just be looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places.

I have learned we need each other. God created people to need other people and He also uses people to rescue people. How you love on people is the greatest definer of your character and your love for Christ.

I have learned it requires constant work on my part to cultivate my relationship with Christ in addition to my need for Him. It requires constant pursuit from Him to give me the ability to work at all.

I have learned that I will spend the remainder of my life trying to surrender it and will only accomplish it by pursuing Christ as if that life depends on it (which it truly does).

It may have been 30 days I didn't ask for or want, but it's been 30 days I needed.

Steps

(Monday's post)

Do you wonder why you have to, feel the things that hurt you, if there's a God who loves you, where is He now? Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming so hold on, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going, you just don't know how you get there so just say a prayer. and hold on, cause there's good who love God, life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming so hold on, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning yeah, yeah, before the morning, yeah, yeah Once you feel the way of glory, all your pain will fade to memory once you feel the way of glory, all your pain will fade to memory memory, memory, yeah Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming com'n, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the hurt before the healing the pain you've been feeling, just the dark before the morning before the morning, yeah, yeah before the morning

In an effort to feel like I am contributing to something meaningful, I have let this blog become very important to me. But I feel like I am getting to the point that I may just be writing to write. I feel like it has become my mission to not miss any days and to always have a message. For a while it was great because I was learning so much. Unfortunately, as I have returned to a somewhat normal existence, my spiritual journey has once again become somewhat stagnant. It’s completely my fault. I have let my pursuit of spiritual knowledge go back to my head instead of my heart. I have resorted to learning for the purpose of material to write about. Where it’s not bad for me to spend some time doing that, it has turned into the only time I spend with God. I found last night that writing had become more of an anxiety than release. I really don’t want any of that. I may not continue the daily posting and may just write daily and then just post periodically. I’m just not sure. For all I know, maybe no one is even reading at this point.

Writing is getting harder for me. I want to be honest, but I also feel a need to be discretionary since this maybe seen by people I actually know and I don’t want anyone to be hurt or offended by anything I say. I want to be uplifting and Christ-focused, but honestly so much of my day I don’t feel either one (I use up all my positive energy early in the day so most evenings when I get around to writing, it’s just gone). I mean everything I write here, so it’s getting harder to write so much of the time as I have such a hard time answering and putting into practice so many of the questions I end with everyday. Today I am going to write the way I did in the beginning (when it was a bit funner and a lot more fulfilling). I am just going to write what I feel. No plan, no theme (if one presents itself, great. If not, oh well.). There may be no picture or opening to tie it together. Today I just need to express myself, even if no one learns from it but me.

This living by faith business isn’t a cake walk (hhmm I’m totally going to have to wiki where that expression came from…). It’s funny, as I said that I remembered a quote I saw yesterday as I was flipping from my quote book (a notebook I write down funny/insightful things I hear/read). From “Fully Alive” by Rick Baldwin, “True faith is not just believing that a building can withstand 120 mph winds. It would be demonstrated by staying in the building as a hurricane with 120 mph wind bears down upon the site.” The thing is, that’s exactly how living by faith feels. It feels like you are watching and waiting for that wind to knock you down and blow you away. It’s being able to withstand life when it does.

I have to be honest, I have no idea how people who don’t believe do it. Seriously, I just don’t get it. How does anyone get by with no hope, no need for something bigger than themselves to exist? My problems aren’t even that great and I experience moments of hopelessness EVERY day. Every day I have to force myself to remember there is a merciful God in control. That my steps aren’t as irrelevant and insignificant as I feel. I am so grateful that this isn’t all there is. I am so thankful that my future was planned for me before I existed. Some would feel cheated by that, but I am just relieved. Maybe it’s just my need for order.

I definitely need to get back to a time of reflection and prayer. I can feel myself going back to my old ways: driven (and crushed) by unfounded expectations, easily angered, self-loathing, self-pitying, selfishness. I am ending a lot of days defeated and afraid of my future. I really don’t want that. I want the life of adventure God promises when we seek after Him, not my old life of just surviving until the next step.

I feel dumb for feeling the way I do. Like I should be past this and my problems don’t even compare to those of so many that suffer. I actually have a really great life. I then feel guilt for the way I feel. Seriously, the extent to which I lower my self-esteem is disturbing even to me. But it’s easier to blame myself than other people. It gives me someone to punish and really who knows how much I suck more than me?  I really don’t even know why I am typing any of this. I guess it makes me feel better to just admit it and go on. Hopefully, if you are reading this and you feel this way, you know it’s as wrong as I do. It doesn’t stop us from feeling that way, but it is wrong. Martin Luther said, “Guilt before the Cross is from God, guilt after the Cross is from Satan” (thanks once again to Y. Arrington for putting something so insightful on his fb). The guilt I (and probably many of you) constantly feel when we realize we don’t measure up is from the enemy. Fear is his greatest tool and what is scarier than feeling inadequate?

I always assumed I would grow out of these feelings. Like one day I would just mature into a self-accepting adult. Now I know, it just doesn’t work that way. I literally have to work EVERY day at learning to earn my own acceptance. It’s really hard. Once again, not a cake walk (seriously, maybe I shouldn’t use that, I have no idea what that really means).

My prayers to God are so often “it’s so hard here.” Life is just not easy. For anyone. If it is, more power to you, hope you are changing the world. But I bet if it is, it’s because you are just living for you. Hey, I’m not trying to judge, I’m just being observant. NOTHING worth having really comes easy. It’s not supposed to. We are supposed to struggle (hey, just thought of the song I’m gonna put up top-if you are this far you have already seen it so go back and re-read it because it’s amazing or just keep on).

Those are some life changing words: “the pain you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” Sometimes I just really need to hear that. I’m one of those people who get really caught up in what they are going through. I really feel like that’s how I am right now. I know for a fact I am right where God wants me. In fact lately I have been feeling exactly like I did a few years ago when I knew I was single for a reason because I knew there were people in my life God wanted me free to feed into. He has even put those people on my mind and heart repeatedly recently (when I haven’t been consumed with feeling sorry for myself). But I am having a hard time focusing on what He wants me to do. I just keep going right back to focusing on me.

I feel like getting to the place I want to be in life seems like so far away. I feel tired and weary. I feel like my tank is heading toward E. By not taking the time to stop for gas, I am just driving around with the light on. Seriously though, when that light goes on for real, I get my butt to a gas station ASAP! So why isn’t that what I’m focusing on? Why am I not running there full speed? Honestly, I’m lazy. I’m afraid. It’s not the easy answer I want.

I just started a new book by a couple I really like: “When God writes your life story” by Eric & Leslie Ludy. I have a feeling the main reason I am afraid & reluctant is because of a realization from something I read last night. They said (and I’m somewhat paraphrasing), “Spiritual growth is an endless frontier. You have taken one step into this endless frontier, and you are asking me how far you have gone. Well, you have only taken one measly step.” Of course the lines were written differently to prove a different point, but the only one I could think of is I have worked so hard and seemingly come so far and it’s only one step! Tomorrow marks a whole month. Not a month that I have been walking, but a month I have been struggling. The thought that I have only taken one or maybe even just a few steps is exhausting. Of course logically I realize this must be true, but it seems overwhelming.

The one bright spot: “this is just the hurt before the healing.”

Until I get past this point. Until I can look at that one step as triumph instead of lackluster disappointment, how can I make any others? They go on to say, “You have taken one step into the endless frontier of [spiritual growth]. And you are now one step farther into this frontier than 99.9 percent of the human race. But don’t be satisfied with just one step. Don’t settle for just being above average.”

So goal for the near future? Work on step number two. I want more than above average, I want extraordinary. “For life to be fully lived, it must wrestle the impossible and win. For life to be fully lived, the God of the Impossible must be fully trusted with the writing of the script.” May God start to write my script.

“If ever it seemed all hope was lost, it meant the almighty God of the Universe was near” (Ludy). He is definitely near. And I think I’m getting ready to let go.

Using Repitition to Grow

“There are two different kinds of ground: fallow ground, and ground that has been broken up by the plow. The fallow ground lies protected from the shears of the plow, safe and undisturbed, it sprawls lazily in the sunshine, the picture of sleepy contentment. But it is paying a terrible price for its tranquility: Never does it see the miracle of growth. In direct opposition is the cultivated field, the plowed field. The cultivated field has been upset, turned over, bruised, and broken, but its rewards come hard upon its labors…all over the field the hand of God is at work in the age old and ever renewed service of creation.”

-from A.W. Tozer’s Paths to Power

Where there are two types of soil, there are also two types of people. Most of us live the fallow life. For the most part it is not even intentional. We grow up learning and assigning priorities to areas of life. That’s just what people do. But to cultivate a life that is rich with growth and prosperity, well that is a truly unique thing. It certainly goes against our culture and instinct. That is the kind of life God wants you and I to have.

I have mentioned in the past how funny I think it is the way God can speak to me sometimes. I have spent so many years listening to and encountering God in a type of haze. It was there, but foggy and unclear. I feel like now I find and hear Him in (virtually) everything I do and encounter. Take my last blog for example. There are things mentioned from my own thoughts, conversations I have had, facebook statuses, and books I am reading. Then, go figure, the exact decision I had made to take the next few weeks and try to pursue God in my personal time fits perfectly into the study we are doing and a perfect way to challenge my group spiritually this week.

I find no coincidence in the fact that God keeps bombarding me with the same things. He is teaching me how to have a relationship with Him and learn to create new habits to replace old ones. And on top of that, giving me the opportunity to learn to help teach others to learn this. There’s a reason every member of my small group of twentysomethngs is going through a major life change or being put through a period of suffering that will result in a major change. We are walking on the path and have hit a crossroad. It’s getting time to pick one road and if it’s the right one, get ready to change forever.

What happens when we realize we are ready for this change? Well I think mostly God says get to know Him. You may be asking “huh? That’s it? What about some big decision to prove my faith? What about a visible, tangible thing so I can see my progress?” They asked the same kind of questions in John 6:28-29. They replied, “We want to perform God’s works, too. What should we do?” Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.” You may be thinking, “that’s it? No problem.” Well I can tell you, this may be the hardest thing He ever asks of you. It kinda makes sense He wants us to learn this first. We are gonna need it!

“We have to believe that God has a purpose to all that happens and it is for His good. Otherwise everything that happens here means nothing.” Wise words from my beautiful mom days ago when I called her crying. I have been mentioning how much easier things have been getting for me (easier, but far from easy), I’m kinda moving into some of the acceptance faze. But, even so, I became consumed with thoughts of despair and weariness. This is going to continue throughout parts of my life, there’s no getting around it. But having a firm and unmoving heart knowledge of Christ’s intentions and abilities will be the one thing that determines how you survive those moments. If you don’t build that firm foundation, you are going to crumble.

I have been kind of feeling like I am running out of things to talk about, like I’m just in repetition mode. But maybe that’s because repetition is necessary to cultivate change and growth. So, today I urge you to continue what I recommended yesterday rather than start anew. We need some repetition.  


Have you decided to try to give some spiritual growth a try?
Do you notice any changes in yourself?
Keep with it!