Give me faith

I need you to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need you to open my eyes

To see that you’re shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say

That you’re good and your love is great

I’m broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need you to pierce through the dark

And cleanse every part of me

I may be weak

Your spirit strong in me

My flesh may fail

But my God you never will

-“Give me Faith” by Elevation Worship

Another month has come and gone and I am disappointed to realize I am the same person I was. I have not changed much and any change that has been happening doesn’t seem to be in a good way.

I feel myself becoming overwhelmed with the familiar feeling of fear. Fear of the unknown future, fear that this is the best there is for me, fear that God cannot make me whole or bring me what I need. I have no idea why it is so hard for me to let go. Why it is so hard for me to believe what God tells me. That when I fail, he never does. Maybe it’s because I feel like I am always failing.

I have no idea what to ask God for any more. I feel like the pain that I continually put myself through is creating resentment in me instead of gratefulness. I don’t want to stay in the place I am in. But I know that if I move out of this place, that I will go back to living life dependant on myself and all of this was for nothing. Or worse, that this is truly all there is for me.

I just don’t know what I want or need anymore.

I feel like I have been spending so much time doing what’s right for everyone, but not taking some time to do what’s right for me. Maybe I need to go back to spending some time by myself and with God. I love my friends and fully believe God is positioning people in my life for me to feed into their lives and love on them. But I’m starting to think I’m not in the place where I can do so. I feel like I’m back to always wanting to talk about my problems and when I do, I’m not sharing what God is doing in my life, just how bad I feel. None of that helps anyone.

Maybe I haven’t been sharing lately what God is doing in my life and situation because I don’t see it. Not that He isn’t working through every second, but that I am not stopping long enough to see it. I have been really busy lately and I was grateful at first to be distracted and not focused on how hard things are. But now I realize that all I did was push my dependency (yet again) on something else, not God. I was happy because I was distracted, but that is temporary and does nothing to grow or change my life.

What to do now? Where to go from here?

Back to the same I suppose. Back to getting to know myself and God. Back to my never-ending task of learned to live in less of me and more of Him.

I first heard the song above the weekend before last and I love it. Seriously it’s like it was taken right out of my own thoughts. I feel my heart hardening and I need to God to soften it again so that my eyes can be opened to what He is doing, so that He may be glorified through my life and pain. I need Him to pierce through the darkness I am wading through and cleanse all the doubt I have, all the fears I hide behind, to make me whole where no one and nothing else can.

Most of all, I need to be reminded that if He says He is enough, then He must be. I need faith to trust Him. To trust that this is just the beginning of the great things He is doing here; in my life, in my heart, in this world.

I live in fear because I am weak and I fail, but God is strong and He never fails. True surrender cannot come with out firm faith that this is true. So I guess the best thing I can ask God for right now is: “Give me faith to trust what you say, that you’re good and your love is great. I’m broken inside, I give you my life.”

It's a trust issue

“If life were stable, I’d never need God’s help. Since it’s not, I reach out for Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don’t have control, because it makes me run to God.” 

-Francis Chan “Crazy Love”

Can you comfortably say those words? I cannot. I cannot comfortably say that I am thankful for the unknowns in my life that keep me out of control. I can say, however, that I am closer to being ok with them than I have ever been.

I have been thinking lately, what would my life look like if I were truly thankful for them? How would it change the way I struggle or view those struggles? How would it change the way I view God or my relationship with Him. I think I would live a very different life. I think I would be a lot more at peace.

I feel like so much of my struggles in life are based in the need to accept that I have no control and will never have it. You see, God is the perfect planner. And in His perfect wisdom, He created a need for dependence on Him. Some would call that cruel and unfair. But what right do we have to call any of the shots? If things were truly fair, we would not exist since so much of our existence does not benefit God at all. And as for cruelty, God could just create us like a massive size dollhouse and then abandon us for something more interesting, but He doesn’t. In fact, we should be extremely grateful that He not only stays by our side during our struggles, but that He changes our hearts through them. He doesn’t let one second of this life pass without purpose (even if no one sees it but Him).

Allowing worry and stress to rule my life tells God that I don’t believe He has the power to not only come through with His promises, but that He is big enough to conquer all of my struggles. I have been trying to work on this trust issue I have had with God (because let’s be honest, that’s what it is). I have lived so long relying on my trust in myself alone, which is just foolishness because I can’t be trusted (none of us are worthy of it). I have trusted others to fulfill what I cannot (also foolish for the same reason). I feel like God is continually teaching me that I can look anywhere I want for someone to trust, but there is no one worthy except Him. Until I start to believe that, He’s going to lovingly keep me here in this struggle.

My goal right now is to try to ask God daily what His purpose for me right now, today, is. It’s so important to see that my time with Him right now is more important than anything. He came to give us life, but it was for the life that we could only find in Him.



Even when it hurts

“You grow up when you decide to do right, and not what’s right for you, what’s right for everybody, even when it hurts.” 

-Gus from “Lars and the Real Girl”

I haven’t written for a while, almost a week. I think it’s for multiple reasons. One I have just been really busy and tired. Another is that I have just been finding other stuff I would just rather be doing or doesn’t require as much emotional and intellectual energy.

I would love to say that I am doing better. But that would be a lie. Although I may be sometimes kidding myself into believing I am, I know that I am not because I am going back to my old way of doing things; I have been finding something else to depend on rather than God.

I’m not going to lie, walking with Christ is tough. It’s hard to make room for Him in my life. It’s hard to remember He dictates my steps and circumstances for my (and His) good. It’s hard to keep coming to Him when I would just rather feel sorry for myself and my circumstance. Relationships are hard, but this one is especially tough.

I feel like I may be approaching the time to let go. Not because I want to or am even ready, but because I have no choice and I really see no other way of moving on. Even though I really don’t see many of the benefits of what I am going through (although I do believe they exist or will exist), I do see the result of my doing the right thing despite my unhappiness.

I tend to be hard on myself and usually just focus on my own flaws, but I am proud of myself. This has been a hard situation for me, but I have been intentionally trying to do what’s right for everyone involved. As Gus said above (to Lars when he asks about how you know when you are grown up), you do what’s right even when it hurts. Well trust me, it hurts. But I already see how my actions of doing what’s right (rather than what would seemingly make me feel better) are making a difference. How my actions leave those people in a place where God can meet them.

I don’t know why things happened the way they did or why I continue to feel the way I do. But I know God is moving in the lives of people around me. I just want to be apart of that. If this is the way that has to happen, then I just continue to pray that I learn to accept that.

Some days we just lose

“We need reminders about God’s goodness. We are programmed to focus on what we don’t have. This dissatisfaction transfers over to our thinking about God. We forget that we already have everything we need in Him. Because we don’t often think about the reality of who God is, we quickly forget that He is worthy to be worshipped and loved. We are to fear Him.”

-Francis Chan “Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God), Ch. 1

I would love to say that I come today with joy and optimism, but I’m afraid all I have found is despair. Life is just not what I thought it would be and I find that even after almost two months, I still find it hard to accept that. Have you ever stopped and looked at your life and wondered, "How did I get here?" I’m not saying I’m perfect or anything, but I feel like I have tried to live my life the right way and I still ended up wandering here looking for whatever it is that might make things better. Lost and feeling more alone than ever.

It’s hard to watch people you care about make major mistakes in their lives. I find myself wondering how that bad that person must feel about their life to make such a huge mistake for the future. I fear that will be me 5 years from now. I fear maybe that already was me and that’s why I am in this place to begin with.

It’s hard to look a beautiful little boy so full of life and not fear for his future. I am scared for him to feel pain the way I am. Life seems so full of tough times and painful moments. Sometimes I wonder if life is about anything more than suffering.

I spent a lot of today in a losing battle. Warring with myself about the ability to trust that there is so much more planned for this life. Faith is such a hard concept for us. We are asked to do the unthinkable, to relinquish the little bit of control we have to a being we can’t even see. When you think about that, from an outsider’s perspective that seems really crazy. Seriously, followers of Christ probably seem kind of nuts. Maybe we are, hopefully we are not.

But how is it possible to surrender willingly and wholeheartedly to God? That’s a question I have been asking and not fully been able to answer most of my life. I have mentioned before that we must fall crazy, madly in love with Jesus. I still believe that. But how do we even accomplish that? I think Francis Chan has a point when he says we must first evaluate how we actually see God.

I think this is most true (and surprisingly harder) for people in my position. People who have spent most of their lives knowing about Christ, those used to hearing His name. Those of us in that boat, are so used to the concept of God, we don’t even think twice when we hear His name spoken. We believe in His presence, we know we should consult Him when making decisions, we know we should live a certain way. But chances are we don’t quiver when we hear His name, we aren’t visibly excited to talk about Him (although I don’t mean to say we aren’t ever, just not consistently). We are so used to “God” that we forget who He even is.

I have been thinking recently about how I view God. Don’t think I’m just calling you out if the last paragraph described you, I am citing myself here. I am so guilty of just looking to God for me and my needs and then turning to despair when I realize things are going the way I want or think they will or should go. I am guilty of periodically falling into the whole, “Maybe it’s impossible” point of view. Although I don’t truly believe it, sometimes it’s easier to whine that it’s impossible for someone to love me, for me to do what God calls me to, that this life it too difficult, that it’s impossible for God to meet my needs (among many others) rather than the truth: that it’s just not the time for me or God to do those things.

Stop now (if you wanna see something cool!) and go to www.crazylovebook.com and watch the video title The Awe Factor of God. The video shows a telescope span out as far into space as we have the technology to do. It’s amazing, awe-inspiring. It’s the best example we have at the magnitude of God. This God we speak of not only created all of those galaxies, He commands the sun daily to rise and set. He commands our lungs and organs to continue to work. Every thing that exists and happens is given or allowed by Him. Hopefully that is a big deal to you, I know I needed to be reminded of that today.

It’s so easy to be discouraged, even when you have a pretty good life like I do. I can’t imagine what life must be like for so many others that struggle with much deeper problems than I do. Many of them have so much more faith than I do. Life is just plain hard here.

But we serve a BIG God. It’s important to stop sometimes and remember that. Among all the monotony of life and the chaos of struggling, it’s hard to forget that all things aren’t just possible in God, but He is the God of the Impossible. Although He may choose not to do many things, He can do ANYTHING He wants. Faith without believing that is most likely not true faith. Faith must be rooted in the belief there is nothing that can stop God.

It’s far too common for me to believe God cannot come through with what I desire. Maybe He will or is choosing not to, but I cannot say I have true faith if I do not realize that He can.

I still feel sad, I still fear the unknown. Not because I don’t believe God can accomplish it, but I’m afraid of the road He will lead me to get there. But afraid or not, I believe. Maybe a good place to start in my conversations with Him is to spend a little less time telling Him what I want (haha I make sure to reiterate them multiple times just in case He isn’t sure) and spend some time worshiping by looking at who He is and what He can do. That isn’t something I do on a regular basis (as I imagine a lot of people don’t). I try to spend some of my prayer time thanking Him, but I have to admit I spend most of it on me and what I want (even if it’s what I want for others). 

This whole concept of surrendering is rooted in the fact that I must give my heart to God. How can I ever learn to trust enough to do so if I don’t take the time to truly know Him for who He is? I may have lost today, but He never does and something tells me my loss today is His gain (as usual).

Seasons change but for now mine stays the same

“It is said that in some countries trees will grow, but will bear no fruit because there is no winter there.”

-John Bunyan

This weekend has been surprisingly peaceful for me. Although I have had numerous moments where I dwelt on my “situation,” I noticed I don’t need it as much on the weekends where I am not constantly reminded of it (sorry to go back to being vague but this blog needs to stay about what I’m learning, not gossip or focusing on that situation). This weekend actually reminded me of the way I felt before my life changed. I spent it with a few friends and picking up some new hobbies (I love me some crafts!).

Spotting the problem yet? You’re probably like, no crazy! Isn’t this what you have been whining about wanting all this time. Yes you are right, but ONCE AGAIN (seriously God, this whole me being wrong about EVERYTHING is becoming a disturbing habit) God showed me that just getting what I want doesn’t fix my problems, it just shows me how much deeper in the hole I am than I originally thought.

I have been praying desperately to start moving into a place where I wasn’t so confused or going through as much pain (emotionally). I even remember saying multiple times that I would even take going back (before the recent tough times/spiritual growth), knowing that definitely wasn’t the answer nor would I be happy there. Well, like I said, that’s how I have felt this weekend. Being away from my “situation” for a few days gave me some much needed rest and showed me that I don’t always need it or have to depend on it (jeez it makes me sound like addict, well I guess you could call my dependency on others and control an addiction). But it also showed me some reasons why God may be keeping me in this somewhat painful limbo. While I learned I could get by without the object of my dependency, the absence of it caused me to forget I still need God.

While I was able to shed thoughts of my situation at will (although not always), my thoughts and prayers to the God I am supposed to be replacing that dependency with was not even a thought. This is not a good thing my friend. I swear I can almost hear the chuckle of God (in a kind loving way) say, I told you, “You aren’t ready to be past this part yet, and you still need it.” I suddenly got this strange thought of a child trying to go out to play, ready for spring to arrive so he can play in the sun jacket free. I imagine his mother at the door with a small laugh saying, “You still need your jacket a bit longer. The weather still hasn’t changed enough for you not to need it and your body isn’t strong enough to fight the elements without it.” Ok, I’m not gonna lie, that was weird even to me, but when we listen, God speaks. The season hasn’t changed for me, and as badly as I want to move out of this place, my body isn’t strong enough to fight the elements without my jacket (suffering).

That also reminds me of the exercise analogy (I know, strange I would use that since I don’t exercise…oh bite me). Resistance training is exactly what it sounds like, training with resistance. Wiki defines it as, “Resistance training is a form of strength training in which each effort is performed against a specific opposing force generated by resistance.” For those of us who don’t think in terms of trainers, it’s basically building strength by causing your muscles to contract against force. (If you are reading this and my description is not clinical, sorry. Don’t hold it against me; I’m just trying to prove a point). I would imagine, this is a process that is somewhat uncomfortable (it’s exercise right?). Building strength by working against something difficult. Hmm, kinda sounds like life to me. But it’s becoming a very popular type of training because it is supposed to build wellness among your body in addition to training your strength.

I can’t help realizing I’m not ready to move out of this phase of my life because I have not built up enough spiritual endurance. Funny thing is that most people assume we need the endurance training for when times are hard (as many do and will). But I am realizing a lot of it is to keep us on track when things are good. Knowing God, it is not His goal to keep us unhappy. But He is not as concerned with our happiness as the condition of our hearts (our growth). Happiness doesn’t usually promote a huge dependency on God; it usually causes us to forget we need Him. Hey don’t blame Him we need hard times; it’s our fault we make this hard on ourselves.

We all fill our lives with something. I have been mostly filling mine with God, reflection, reading, writing, & feeling sorry for myself (trying to keep it honest here). But recently I have wanted to branch out to try some new things (hey why not, I’m single and have time). Now that I’m on the craft hobbies kick again, I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking of all the things I want to do and how to squeeze them in. At first I was really excited because when I am working on them, I’m not sad or worrying about how things are going to turn out. It gives me a reprieve from life. But I am also troubled by how excited that makes me. I have an obsessive nature. It would be far too simple for me to cut out some other things that keep me focused on pain for the ease of those that make me forget.

Now let me stop here and say that having hobbies and activities that get you out of your head and give you a break are wrong, they absolutely are not and I think it’s healthy to keep your sanity. Problem is we have to remember balance and I know most of us aren’t very good at that (that’s why we usually need help to begin with). Truth is, it would be really easy to allow other things to be how we cope. But we shouldn’t supplement our relationship with Christ with other ways to fill our time. Doing so not only makes the suffering we have already endured pointless, it ensures we will be starting a whole new cycle we will need God to rid us of. I saw a quote the other day I really liked. Richard Baxter said, “Be careful how you spend your time. Spend your time in nothing which you know must be repented of.” We should do ourselves a favor and establish balance now, rather than wait to need God to pull us out of the hole we dig for ourselves.

The subject of dependency brings me back to the subject I started this post with, the thought that going back would make things better. And honestly it might make things easier, but not any less empty. The problem is I was even more lost then than I am now. Back then I knew I had a need only God could fill, but I was too lazy, scared, and content to do anything about it. This time around, I am looking for ways to not go back to living a life waiting to experience God, but one that encounters Him everyday, in any way possible.  I don’t just want to grow (live), I want to bear fruit because my winter has been hard.

*All of this talk of seasons changing is making me seriously eager for winter, it’s hot in my room right now. Also, I totally saw the quote up top and couldn’t wait to use it but didn’t know how. God totally fit it in here for me (going back to add it up top now that I’m finished writing) with the analogy of seasons changing. Seriously, God is just so funny sometimes.

A different kind of love

“How do you spell love? True love is spelled G-I-V-E. It is not based on what you get, but rooted in what you can give the other person.”

-Josh McDowell

A warning now that this post may get very personal and mushy. I just feel like I connect with God the best when I am honest about what I feel and think. Often when I start writing (lately) I have not been sure where I was going until God got me there. I have many things I can and should write about, but this should be about learning and encouragement (even when disguised as defeat) and starting with what I’m going through and feel is the best place. Sorry in advance if it goes a strange way. Sometimes that’s the best way to learn.

I have mentioned in the past that I have a tendency to believe in absolutes. That there is one way for things to be. I guess you could call it looking at life as black and white (typical blue trait for all of you who know about personality traits, aka perfectionist control freaks as I like to refer to us). I know logically that is not how it works, not how people work, life works, relationships work, etc, but I realize I still have a tendency to think that way.

Take love for instance, it’s easy to believe there is only one way to love someone. That, as I am finding out is just not true. Our culture is obsessed with love. Have you ever been excited noticing, while being in a relationship, that most songs are about either being in love or wanting love? Have you ever been tortured, while being single, noticing that most songs are about being in love or wanting love? Love and its pursuits are a big deal to us. We go to great lengths to be a part of it.

I promised you some personal stuff so here it is (you guys are so greedy, haha). I have always wanted to fall in love (see my 1^st post for more info if you are a bit lost on what I’m going through or my view on what I thought being in love would be like). I want a connection to someone, I want to share something special. But I realize I haven’t so much been looking for real, authentic love so much as the feeling of love.

Problem is, our culture wants to feel love, not necessarily live that love. I’m not calling that wrong, I’m just saying the two are not necessarily mutually inclusive. Feeling in love is great. I know I only was a part of it for a short time, but I appreciate it for what it was and will never be sorry for the experience, no matter what happens from here. But I’m just not sure if that kind of love is the kind that grows someone as a person. Again, I am not saying there is anything wrong with it, I just fear that maybe it ranks on the more shallow side of life’s experiences. Now don’t freak out on me because I used the dreaded shallow word.

To explain, consider most choices and decisions that are made based on feelings alone. They don’t tend to have much depth. I, again, don’t mean that to be hurtful. I have mentioned repeatedly how much of an emotional person I am and my tendency to let my feelings rule me. Feelings are very important; I just don’t think they are the foundation for true, all encompassing love. They are a part of it, but not the base of it.

Because I am a very emotional person, I have had a lot of feelings to work my way through. In attempting to do so, I have been wondering if I had been(and to be honest still am) IN love with that person or just love him. Did I just have strong feelings for him because he’s the kind of guy I wanted or because I wanted him, that particular guy? I even wonder if I’m capable of truly loving someone at all (it’s no secret I don’t have the highest self esteem). I mean how can you truly know you have experienced love until you actually experience it (I know, confusing right?).

As usual, God is teaching me things even when I’m not ready to learn them. We are all struggling with something in our lives. For some of us, that struggle is debilitating and then some of us are just in between those times, but we all have them. It is obviously no secret what I want if you are reading my posts. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want to be with the person I care about. I have been shying away from directly mentioning it here for many reasons. Although I don’t know how many people actually read this other than my close family and friends who know my situation, this is a public forum and I do occasionally remind people about these posts on various social networks. I don’t want anything said to be misconstrued or offensive. But I don’t see any reason not to be truthful. I have certainly revealed much more personal feelings in past posts than admitting I am in love with someone. There I said it (so sue me…but really, please don’t, it’s just not nice).

Understanding that we all struggle leads me back to where I was going, a different kind of love. Like I said, it isn’t really a secret what I want (for me), but I realize, knowing he is struggling with something he needs to let God use to grow him, I want something more. I want him to grow at any cost, even if that cost is not being with me if I’m not the person that would help him do so.

True love, a Jesus kind of love, isn’t about what we want, not about what makes us happy. It’s about growing our character into Christ’s character. Christ showed us about true love with the way He loved us. It’s about surrender. There’s a reason people quote 1 Cor 13 on their wedding day (well some because it’s pretty or they want a pipe dream of perfection without work) because this is what God tells us true love is. “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never looses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

I feel like God gave me such a blessing in showing me that this struggle isn’t just about my need to grow but for that need by others in my life. That maybe I can start learning to love in a different way, in a more Christ-like way.

I am extremely encouraged right now, no matter what; I know I am capable of this love, of real love. Did I experience it for real when I was actually in that relationship, who knows? Unfortunately I spent a lot of time in the daydream that was the feelings-induced love haze. But no matter what happens from here, I know that there are many ways to love. We can love with just our feelings (we all do in some ways, feelings are a good thing) or we can expand that love with the power of Christ. We can pray and strive to love others (romantically or not) patiently, kindly, unselfishly, and forgivingly. We all will search throughout our time here on earth for that kind of love, but let’s not forget that God is endowing us the power to be that kind of love to each other.

What are your thoughts about love? Do you love patiently, kindly, unselfishly, and forgivingly? How can you pray for God to show you ways to start loving on a different level? 

Learning how to love

“If I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never looses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…Love will last forever! Three things last forever-faith, hope, and love-the greatest of these is love.”

-1 Cor. 13:3b-7, 8b, 13 (NLT)

I am a critical person. I can be with others but I really am with myself. I kind of have a problem with me, myself, & I. As scared as I am to be alone, I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about myself. What I want, what I do, what I don’t do, etc. I know this time of struggle is about so much more than me and what I want, but I feel like all I see is “me”.

Although I can have a tendency to be a bit dramatic, truth is I am a passionate loving kind of person (you wish, dirty minds!). I just care deeply about people. Believe it or not I often look at that as a flaw. It leads me to get my feelings hurt a lot, to over think everything to the point of exhaustion and to means I never let things go. I feel like I make something out of nothing and everything. Most times it’s just out of control.

I have spent the last few weeks writing about what I feel and am experiencing, hoping the process will help me learn to hear God better and see where He is taking me. It also just makes me feel good to have something tangible I can accomplish. But I have another motivation; I genuinely care about anyone who may be hurting (or will hurt). I don’t know if anyone is reading this (other than my beautiful mother who has read EVERY one, I appreciate you more than you can know, you inspire me), but know that if you are, even if I don’t know you, I care. I hate to see people hurt (jeez I even feel bad when people deserve it). I care about what you are going through and where your journey may be leading you.

I am one of those people who feel guilt about everything, whether it has anything to do with me or not. I often feel guilt because I can’t do more, because I can’t make a bigger difference in this world. I feel like I am fighting with all that I have and am moving inches at a time instead of miles. It is so often discouraging. But growth takes time (sometimes I fear I don’t have enough minutes on this earth left for amount of growth I need & have left). If you hear nothing else, know that inches are better than nothing. Progression is just that…progress!

This journey we are on, life itself, is a road we will continue on for our remainder of time here on earth. I used to just think that I could start growing and that one day I will get over the hill and be done growing, just rest at the top. But truth is we never stop growing, there is always something we can (and will) still learn. If God’s will is about growth, then continuing to grow in Him is doing just that, living in His will.

I think as Christians we think God is just concerned with how much we change. But we are a broken, dependant people. God doesn’t want us to focus on changing our behaviors (let’s be honest, we will just change them from one dependency to another). He wants us to allow Him to transform our hearts. Any other worthwhile change will happen as a result of that (through Him). And they won’t be changes made out of a necessity to “be good” but from an obedient heart. A heart that is so aligned with Christ that my wants and desires match His.

I struggle a lot with feeling like I am two people trapped in one body. I want to be a part of this world. There are fun aspects of it and sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else. I often wish I could just do what I want, stop feeling all the time, and just be whomever I please. But I also want to please God, I want to be better than who I am, I want to make a difference in other’s lives. I want to have a changed heart. I want to not be ashamed to feel things passionately because that’s how He created me to be. Because somewhere, someway He has a purpose for that.

I have mentioned that I spend a lot of time thinking and praying for what I want. But right now, I feel like what I want is so small. There are so many that hurt, so many of them are in my life, people whose pain I would gladly bear for them if I could. I have mentioned how confused I feel lately, like I’m not sure how I feel or even what I really want. Many aspects of getting what I want involve someone else, someone who is hurting right now. I realize what I really don’t want is for me to get what I want at the expense of anyone else’s growth. I want what I want. But I want relationships (for me and others) with Christ more.

I think the best thing I can do for myself and everyone involved is to start praying for what’s best for everyone and not just me. I have looked at so much of this struggle as it just being about what I am going through, what I am learning. But it’s about so much more than that. Maybe the Beatles didn’t quite have it right, “All you need is love” just doesn’t quite do it, you do need more. But having a heart that is intent on loving no matter what the case, that’s invaluable. That’s showing Christ to all that you meet. It’s what this life is about.

Sorry this post has been kind of random. I just had many thoughts in my head and I honestly didn’t know any more than you where God was taking this. But as usual He has taken me in my broken, empty state and taught me something new. If you are reading this, wherever you are, know that you are loved. By me (to some of you, a complete stranger) and by a God who holds every second in His hands. Be encouraged by that. Love will change the world, even if it’s just my (and your) tiny part of it.