“Life is not about having and getting, but being and becoming.”
- Matthew Arnold
So, as you can tell it has been quite a while since I have updated, almost 3 months. I was busy with trips, holidays and just life in general. According to my flash drive where I keep all the original copies of my writing this is my 50th entry. So as you can see I had been enjoying writing. So, other than being busy, what kept me from it? Those who have read the previous ones have to know that this blog had become a source of comfort, reflection, and catharsis. That being said, what reason could I have to keep me away? Honestly, there are so many.
I am a major procrastinator; I hate starting something (seriously I put off so much not because I mind doing it/reading it/writing it etc, I just don’t always know where to start). I have been wanting to pick it back up lately because I know it is so good for me and hopefully one day, somehow, somewhere these words can help someone else. I got back in the habit of making notes about things I have learned and wanted to write about (although this one I am just writing as things come to me). I just could not bring myself to sit down and start…well until now!
I also began to get caught up in all the other fun things there are to do in life that bring pleasure but don’t require much of your resources. I love movies, games, etc. Things that bring me enjoyment but don’t require me to place my feelings, morals, and resources at the forefront and consequently at the disposal of anyone who learns to successfully navigate the Internet. It’s easier to spend my free hour(s) doing things that create instant gratification rather than things like this where it exposes the reality that true happiness & satisfaction is something we can only begin to grasp on our time here on earth.
Another reason, probably the biggest one, I just did not want to deal with my problems. Or maybe more likely I didn’t want God to get to tell me to give them to Him.
A huge thing happened in the 3 months I have lived since I sat down with my computer like this; God answered my prayers. It certainly wasn’t in the way I want or would have done things, but he rarely does. One day (around the first of the year) I just woke up and was ready to let it go. I was finally ready to accept that this is my life and who I am and that the thing I couldn’t let go was no longer right for this life, my life. I began to accept what is and let go of what’s not.
In print it seems like this clean, neat little roundup, but it’s not. I still hurt from time to time, I still feel the sting of loneliness, rejection, fear of the unknown, and sadness for the life I thought would be mine. I still wish we had made better choices. I still wish I had done a better job of listening to God’s direction instead of interpreting the actions of this life as His directions. I still wish things were uncomplicated and easy.
But for the first time I started looking forward to the future. I began to get excited about what God can do with me and my life. Right here: incomplete and needy, but blessed and loved. I’m perfect in my imperfection and for once ok with that.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not happy with how life is right now. There’s so much more I want. But I can say there is peace here. Maybe life is not the way I want, but I am so blessed and know that “the best times of your life have not yet been lived” (<~best fortune cookie statement ever!).
I look back at the last year of my life and I see so much change. Some was excruciatingly painful and I would gladly never go through it again. But there was also so much laughter, joy, and fun.
I know I have a lot of growing left to do, but I am proud of myself. I am taking REAL steps in my life right now to make healthy permanent changes. Looking back I can’t say I am happy with all that happened or with the choices I made, but I can see a trail of growth that was probably long overdue. I am so thankful that we have a God that doesn’t let anything happen without purpose. I’m just glad He is giving me a chance to see some of that purpose. It makes it a little bit easier everyday to accept what is in this life and begin to let go of what’s not.