A different kind of love

“How do you spell love? True love is spelled G-I-V-E. It is not based on what you get, but rooted in what you can give the other person.”

-Josh McDowell

A warning now that this post may get very personal and mushy. I just feel like I connect with God the best when I am honest about what I feel and think. Often when I start writing (lately) I have not been sure where I was going until God got me there. I have many things I can and should write about, but this should be about learning and encouragement (even when disguised as defeat) and starting with what I’m going through and feel is the best place. Sorry in advance if it goes a strange way. Sometimes that’s the best way to learn.

I have mentioned in the past that I have a tendency to believe in absolutes. That there is one way for things to be. I guess you could call it looking at life as black and white (typical blue trait for all of you who know about personality traits, aka perfectionist control freaks as I like to refer to us). I know logically that is not how it works, not how people work, life works, relationships work, etc, but I realize I still have a tendency to think that way.

Take love for instance, it’s easy to believe there is only one way to love someone. That, as I am finding out is just not true. Our culture is obsessed with love. Have you ever been excited noticing, while being in a relationship, that most songs are about either being in love or wanting love? Have you ever been tortured, while being single, noticing that most songs are about being in love or wanting love? Love and its pursuits are a big deal to us. We go to great lengths to be a part of it.

I promised you some personal stuff so here it is (you guys are so greedy, haha). I have always wanted to fall in love (see my 1^st post for more info if you are a bit lost on what I’m going through or my view on what I thought being in love would be like). I want a connection to someone, I want to share something special. But I realize I haven’t so much been looking for real, authentic love so much as the feeling of love.

Problem is, our culture wants to feel love, not necessarily live that love. I’m not calling that wrong, I’m just saying the two are not necessarily mutually inclusive. Feeling in love is great. I know I only was a part of it for a short time, but I appreciate it for what it was and will never be sorry for the experience, no matter what happens from here. But I’m just not sure if that kind of love is the kind that grows someone as a person. Again, I am not saying there is anything wrong with it, I just fear that maybe it ranks on the more shallow side of life’s experiences. Now don’t freak out on me because I used the dreaded shallow word.

To explain, consider most choices and decisions that are made based on feelings alone. They don’t tend to have much depth. I, again, don’t mean that to be hurtful. I have mentioned repeatedly how much of an emotional person I am and my tendency to let my feelings rule me. Feelings are very important; I just don’t think they are the foundation for true, all encompassing love. They are a part of it, but not the base of it.

Because I am a very emotional person, I have had a lot of feelings to work my way through. In attempting to do so, I have been wondering if I had been(and to be honest still am) IN love with that person or just love him. Did I just have strong feelings for him because he’s the kind of guy I wanted or because I wanted him, that particular guy? I even wonder if I’m capable of truly loving someone at all (it’s no secret I don’t have the highest self esteem). I mean how can you truly know you have experienced love until you actually experience it (I know, confusing right?).

As usual, God is teaching me things even when I’m not ready to learn them. We are all struggling with something in our lives. For some of us, that struggle is debilitating and then some of us are just in between those times, but we all have them. It is obviously no secret what I want if you are reading my posts. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want to be with the person I care about. I have been shying away from directly mentioning it here for many reasons. Although I don’t know how many people actually read this other than my close family and friends who know my situation, this is a public forum and I do occasionally remind people about these posts on various social networks. I don’t want anything said to be misconstrued or offensive. But I don’t see any reason not to be truthful. I have certainly revealed much more personal feelings in past posts than admitting I am in love with someone. There I said it (so sue me…but really, please don’t, it’s just not nice).

Understanding that we all struggle leads me back to where I was going, a different kind of love. Like I said, it isn’t really a secret what I want (for me), but I realize, knowing he is struggling with something he needs to let God use to grow him, I want something more. I want him to grow at any cost, even if that cost is not being with me if I’m not the person that would help him do so.

True love, a Jesus kind of love, isn’t about what we want, not about what makes us happy. It’s about growing our character into Christ’s character. Christ showed us about true love with the way He loved us. It’s about surrender. There’s a reason people quote 1 Cor 13 on their wedding day (well some because it’s pretty or they want a pipe dream of perfection without work) because this is what God tells us true love is. “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never looses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

I feel like God gave me such a blessing in showing me that this struggle isn’t just about my need to grow but for that need by others in my life. That maybe I can start learning to love in a different way, in a more Christ-like way.

I am extremely encouraged right now, no matter what; I know I am capable of this love, of real love. Did I experience it for real when I was actually in that relationship, who knows? Unfortunately I spent a lot of time in the daydream that was the feelings-induced love haze. But no matter what happens from here, I know that there are many ways to love. We can love with just our feelings (we all do in some ways, feelings are a good thing) or we can expand that love with the power of Christ. We can pray and strive to love others (romantically or not) patiently, kindly, unselfishly, and forgivingly. We all will search throughout our time here on earth for that kind of love, but let’s not forget that God is endowing us the power to be that kind of love to each other.

What are your thoughts about love? Do you love patiently, kindly, unselfishly, and forgivingly? How can you pray for God to show you ways to start loving on a different level? 

Learning how to love

“If I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never looses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…Love will last forever! Three things last forever-faith, hope, and love-the greatest of these is love.”

-1 Cor. 13:3b-7, 8b, 13 (NLT)

I am a critical person. I can be with others but I really am with myself. I kind of have a problem with me, myself, & I. As scared as I am to be alone, I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about myself. What I want, what I do, what I don’t do, etc. I know this time of struggle is about so much more than me and what I want, but I feel like all I see is “me”.

Although I can have a tendency to be a bit dramatic, truth is I am a passionate loving kind of person (you wish, dirty minds!). I just care deeply about people. Believe it or not I often look at that as a flaw. It leads me to get my feelings hurt a lot, to over think everything to the point of exhaustion and to means I never let things go. I feel like I make something out of nothing and everything. Most times it’s just out of control.

I have spent the last few weeks writing about what I feel and am experiencing, hoping the process will help me learn to hear God better and see where He is taking me. It also just makes me feel good to have something tangible I can accomplish. But I have another motivation; I genuinely care about anyone who may be hurting (or will hurt). I don’t know if anyone is reading this (other than my beautiful mother who has read EVERY one, I appreciate you more than you can know, you inspire me), but know that if you are, even if I don’t know you, I care. I hate to see people hurt (jeez I even feel bad when people deserve it). I care about what you are going through and where your journey may be leading you.

I am one of those people who feel guilt about everything, whether it has anything to do with me or not. I often feel guilt because I can’t do more, because I can’t make a bigger difference in this world. I feel like I am fighting with all that I have and am moving inches at a time instead of miles. It is so often discouraging. But growth takes time (sometimes I fear I don’t have enough minutes on this earth left for amount of growth I need & have left). If you hear nothing else, know that inches are better than nothing. Progression is just that…progress!

This journey we are on, life itself, is a road we will continue on for our remainder of time here on earth. I used to just think that I could start growing and that one day I will get over the hill and be done growing, just rest at the top. But truth is we never stop growing, there is always something we can (and will) still learn. If God’s will is about growth, then continuing to grow in Him is doing just that, living in His will.

I think as Christians we think God is just concerned with how much we change. But we are a broken, dependant people. God doesn’t want us to focus on changing our behaviors (let’s be honest, we will just change them from one dependency to another). He wants us to allow Him to transform our hearts. Any other worthwhile change will happen as a result of that (through Him). And they won’t be changes made out of a necessity to “be good” but from an obedient heart. A heart that is so aligned with Christ that my wants and desires match His.

I struggle a lot with feeling like I am two people trapped in one body. I want to be a part of this world. There are fun aspects of it and sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else. I often wish I could just do what I want, stop feeling all the time, and just be whomever I please. But I also want to please God, I want to be better than who I am, I want to make a difference in other’s lives. I want to have a changed heart. I want to not be ashamed to feel things passionately because that’s how He created me to be. Because somewhere, someway He has a purpose for that.

I have mentioned that I spend a lot of time thinking and praying for what I want. But right now, I feel like what I want is so small. There are so many that hurt, so many of them are in my life, people whose pain I would gladly bear for them if I could. I have mentioned how confused I feel lately, like I’m not sure how I feel or even what I really want. Many aspects of getting what I want involve someone else, someone who is hurting right now. I realize what I really don’t want is for me to get what I want at the expense of anyone else’s growth. I want what I want. But I want relationships (for me and others) with Christ more.

I think the best thing I can do for myself and everyone involved is to start praying for what’s best for everyone and not just me. I have looked at so much of this struggle as it just being about what I am going through, what I am learning. But it’s about so much more than that. Maybe the Beatles didn’t quite have it right, “All you need is love” just doesn’t quite do it, you do need more. But having a heart that is intent on loving no matter what the case, that’s invaluable. That’s showing Christ to all that you meet. It’s what this life is about.

Sorry this post has been kind of random. I just had many thoughts in my head and I honestly didn’t know any more than you where God was taking this. But as usual He has taken me in my broken, empty state and taught me something new. If you are reading this, wherever you are, know that you are loved. By me (to some of you, a complete stranger) and by a God who holds every second in His hands. Be encouraged by that. Love will change the world, even if it’s just my (and your) tiny part of it.

Preparing to Fly

Adversity: The Story of the Butterfly

A man found the cocoon of a butterfly.

One day a small opening appeared. He watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther.

So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily.

But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract at any time. Neither happened!

The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening was God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been.

We would never fly.

I asked for Strength…And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom…And God gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity…And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage…And God gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love…And God gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors…And God gave me Opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted. I received everything I needed.

-Author Unknown

This has been a crazy week for me. A week has officially gone by since I sat in this very place and started my first blog. It feels like years ago. I know people say that, but it really does. I have done more transforming in the last week then I probably have in the last decade of my life. God is teaching me so many things, but more than that He is allowing me to feel and truly understand so many truths I have known most of my life. He’s also changing the way I look at life, how I view myself, the necessity of community, and what I know about Him.

God has taught me so many things this week about myself. He is slowly teaching me to love myself, that I am worthy of love, and so very blessed. I’m starting to appreciate my strengths without them being shadowed by my weaknesses. I made a gift for my friend the other day and while everyone was complementing how great it was, all I could see was the flaws. God’s teaching me that those weaknesses, those flaws, don’t define who I am, because there’s greatness there too. I see the strength I am gaining. I feel how much less self-conscious I am about the way I look and feel less worried about what others think. That’s huge for me. I feel less afraid to try things, even when I know they will hurt because I know I can survive them.

I had a really hard night last night. I went out with some friends (which was the good part) but realized I maybe wasn’t quite ready. My heart isn’t quite as healed as I would like to believe. I had some great conversations with some friends I care so much about, some of whom are going through as tough a time as I am, so I am glad I went. But once I got home I realized I had regressed a bit. I started getting attacked by my old way of thinking (anger, resentment, self loathing) but although my mind hasn’t changed, my heart has. I knew I didn’t want to go back to my old ways, I didn’t want all this struggle to be for nothing. I called my sister (who was thankfully still awake even though it was 3 am) and reached out for help. That’s what God created us for, He gave us each different abilities for this very reason. When I talked to her, I asked for simple things: to be reminded that I’m going to be ok, I’m loved, I’m not alone. I asked for help to remind me of what I truly believe, not with just knowledge, but with faith. I told her I just wish God would lake the pain away, not fix my problem, but just not make it hurt anymore. What she told me afterward I’m sure will continue to shake me for quite some time. She told me: “Maybe you just aren’t ready to be painless yet. Maybe God knows that if He takes the pain away, you will stop growing and He’s not done with you yet.” I keep feeling like one day I will just be ok, I will just be done, but maybe God will be working on me for a long time (hopefully the rest of my life). Suddenly, the pain doesn’t feel so overwhelming because I’m still growing. They don’t call them growing pains for nothing.

Thank God for the people in my life. God is teaching me how important it is to reach out when I need help, but also to remember that there are people who might need me to reach out to them. There have been a few friends on my mind and heart lately that I feel my struggle can help. I am praying so hard for them and any role God might have for me in their lives. My hope and prayer with this blog is that these words God has given me will meet someone else where they are and pull them back from the edge. We need support, we weren’t meant to walk this life alone. Maybe God will send me to fulfill a need in their lives, encourage with words, live as an example, or just be the only “Jesus” they let get close to them.

Now that I feel this need to “reach out” to these people I have to stop and confess a bad habit I have. I often feel the need to carry other’s burdens. Where this might seem a noble act, it’s also one that can come with debilitating consequences for that person. That role is not my responsibility. For example: yes, if someone over spends I could continue to loan them money (I’m not saying it shouldn’t be done occasionally-we all make mistakes and need help) but after months or years of this happening, they will have learned nothing, feel no need to learn to budget because they were never forced to experience the consequences (pain) of their mistake (ridiculous overdraft charges!). Much like I need the continued pain to grow, so does everyone else. It’s important to not let our need to help stifle someone else’s growth opportunity.

The biggest lesson I have learned this week is a change to how I view God Himself and our relationship. I have always viewed God as a loving creator and friend, a parental figure and advisor. But you know, the kind of friend you love and go see when you get a chance, the kind that will be there when you need them, but not the priority of my life. I, of course, knew that wasn’t the way God wants, but did not know how to change that and let’s be honest there’s always something else to do, something else that demands our focus. As foolish people, we often need something drastic to happen for us to change our habits or addictions to our unhealthy lifestyle, the things that keep us from leading a fuller life. The result God is looking for: us to see Him for who He is.

I believe one of the reasons we put God in this little affectionate, yet distant box is because we don’t really understand how He feels about us. That’s understandable. His love for us is incomprehensible, it’s not something we can actually experience. But He gives us the closest example with the concept of parenting. Sadly this isn’t always a positive example for all people. However, you may have kids or want to have kids one day and can possibly imagine how you will feel the day you see your kid hurting. Imagine they have surgery for something debilitating and terminal. It will be painful, scary, and extensive, but the end result will be a healthy and whole child with a chance to live. Your kid is desperate for you to help them, you would give anything to bear their pain and give in to what they want. But you know more than their young minds do, you know that this procedure will be the only way for them to truly experience life to the fullest or truly have a life at all. You know the benefits will be well worth the pain and recovery your child endures (and you consequently endure). This is the way God loves us. He sees us living debilitating and terminal lives. He hears us cry out to Him in pain and, like a loving father, He longs to give us what we want, He weeps when we weep. He allows Himself (seriously the Creator of the UNIVERSE!) to feel pain along with us. Because he knows more than our young minds do. He knows the result brings freedom, full lives, and is well worth the pain. Wow! How do you hear that and not learn to appreciate being right where you are: broken, bruised, and loved from your head to your toes.

The story above was sent to me years ago, back in the time of chain emails. It hangs in my house. I just suddenly remembered it and wanted to share. There is undoubtedly a purpose to our struggles. Don’t give up, God isn’t going to waste His time giving us what we want, He’s going to hand craft us everything we need. He’s going to enable us to fly. Fly with me, friends…that’s what we were made for!

What is God teaching you about yourself, others, and/or Himself right now? Would you listen if you weren’t struggling, if it wasn’t hard?
How does it make you feel to know God loves you so much he suffers when you suffer? Does it change your view of suffering?

An Unexpected Feeling

I have been thinking so much lately, I could sit here all day and come up with things to write about. Things that I have heard/seen/read/experienced lately that amuse me, thrill me, shock me. When I look back on my day, I find that I have experienced all of those feelings independently in something said at church today, in the wonderful talks I had with many special women this morning, watching jr high kids play games, or just spending time with my nephew. Some of these events may have even combined a couple of these feelings, but none more so than one I experienced today.

I am an emotional person. I like to think I am also a somewhat logical person. It makes sense that I went for a degree in Psychology. I also like to pride myself in the thought that I often know the right things to say in many emotional situations. Logically anyway. You know what I mean, the “it will all work out in the end.” “Pain and suffering are necessary for growth.” “When you look back you will see how this was for the best.” The stuff we all say because we know it’s true. The stuff that no matter how many times you hear it when you are in pain, you usually just have a hard time accepting. The stuff that we take for granted when we aren’t or haven’t really suffered.

Being a Christian most of my life, I have heard lots of messages, heard lots of songs, read lots of books. I have heard those same things said in prayer, in worship, in small group. Heard declarations of how your life will be changed once you surrender. How much God yearns for our hearts, how he frees us from guilt, shame, & sin’s hold of our lives. But until you truly suffer, all of those sentiments have little meaning. I know my suffering is so minuscule compared to the suffering of so many others, but I am suffering nonetheless and that is the place God wants me to be right now. It got me thinking about how many other things I had always heard & known will start to take on new meaning now that I can practically apply them to my life and situation.

Part of my promise to God in my surrendering of the first particular part of my life is that anytime I start to feel bad about that issue, dwell on it, or start to let it take my focus I want to shift my focus onto Christ. To turn to a time of thankfulness for what He has done for me or a request to change my heart and give me a new focus. I am doing ok at this task, but I learned something today I should have realized: old habits die hard. And in this particular case, I have a lot of bad habits. I let way too many facets of this issue rule my life. I know I am being intentionally vague and that might make some of this confusing, but I’m just not ready to admit my behavior to everyone and certainly not on the internet. Don’t worry, they aren’t bad, just a representation of how off my focus has been for so much of my life. And I slip right back to these behaviors over and over. Some includes giving other people’s opinions of me way too much weight. I am learning that I allow that to dictate too many of my actions (or lack of action).

In an effort to spiritually challenge myself and those in my small group, I have been researching some stuff we can study. Being that I just finished Francis Chan’s book “Crazy Love,” I thought that might be a good place to start. I have been watching some of his chapter videos and he challenges groups to do something that has been on my mind a lot lately. He challenges them to reflect on the cross at some point of your every day. He also asks that we be accountable to remind each other of this action. I couldn’t help but stop at that request and consider how little I do that ever and what kind of change that would require in my everyday life. Of course throughout the day I would ask things of God or say thanks for the things He has blessed me with. But to literally stop all the chaos or the leisure everyday and consider the price He paid or the true gift we have received, that would be a huge task.

Any believer has had to make choices between doing what is right or doing what we want. Between showing Christ’s love no matter what the situation or giving a rude person the verbal back hand they deserve. Between flipping someone off for cutting you off or being patient and letting the anger pass. There are so many instances in our lives where we are caught between what we (and usually society) think we should do and what Christ told us we should do. I don’t know about you, but much of my day is filled with selfishness, anger, rudeness, laziness, etc. Think of how much that would change or diminish if I spent some part of every day considering the cross. The problem: I don’t always want those things to change. I like to cuss sometimes (hey, sometimes it’s really funny), I am proud when I can lay a verbal smack down on someone who is pissing me off, I like a lot of things about the world’s view. It fun and alluring. But it’s also temporary and destructive. So the real problem: how to maintain my identity while searching intentionally for Christ. I’m not sure the two can co-exist. Yes I will always be me. I will always do some of the same destructive, selfish things. But a choice does have to be made, allow God to change me or stay lost wandering.

I have to admit I think I have felt God reaching out to me for a while, giving me the chance to let go and follow him with abandon. But I have just been too caught up with how much work or painful the transition would be. Well like always in God’s perfect timing He has taught me I couldn’t run from either. Pain found me and I’m having to work like crazy to survive it. But He’s also teaching me that while I’m changing, the way I feel about things is changing too. The thought of seeking after God daily used to seem somewhat boring and taxing. Now it seems exciting and fulfilling.

Still wondering what that event I experienced today that was able to amuse, thrill, & shock me? Today IT JUST CLICKED for me. I finally get it! It was finally just getting all those things I have heard my whole life. It was finally feeling with my heart what my logic has said all along. I have always doubted how God could fulfill the desires of my heart (to fall in love) without sending a man for me to fall in love with. Today I realized it’s because I have to fall in love with Him first. I always wondered how to overcome my feelings of inadequacy, today he taught me it was to daily remember He is why I am special. I always wondered how I could stand to put Him as my focus and today He showed me it’s because in His presence I just feel love, acceptance, right. Suddenly guilt, for my actions and the actions of others, no longer maintains the forefront of my mind. Suddenly, the fears for my future seem silly and unnecessary. Suddenly I actually feel what I have always said I believed, that I trust God’s promises. I trust that the desires He places in my heart will be fulfilled, by Him and Him alone.

Today I got a chance to share some of what I have been going through with some people at church. It was exciting to tell them of what I have experienced and the difference Christ has made in my life just in the last few days. I literally feel like a different person. I feel the change God is making in my heart. I’m still broken and human, I still want the same things and feel the same burn of fear and shame. But the way I look at those feelings hold on my life is changing dramatically. Every day I feel less and less ruled by my foolish dreams for myself. Yes they are special because they are mine, but they are so insignificant in comparison to what God has planned for me. I suddenly feel excited about God manning the wheel in my life (still scared though…*sigh*), because that means I am experiencing the life He planned for me. The plan He made for my small, insignificant life that moment He shed His blood for me. Is there anything greater??

I found that today, day 2 of surrendering almost seemed too easy. I have felt sad & tired but yet strangely peaceful. Don’t get me wrong, that’s what I have been praying for all this time and definitely what God promises, I just honestly thought it would be a lot harder so far. I am extremely grateful, but weary of what is to come next. Yes God is changing me every moment, but there’s a lot of me still there. My prayers right now are about how to continue to change my focus on the part of my life I have surrendered and what part He wants next. Hope God is pursuing your heart as hard as he is mine.