Steps

(Monday's post)

Do you wonder why you have to, feel the things that hurt you, if there's a God who loves you, where is He now? Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming so hold on, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going, you just don't know how you get there so just say a prayer. and hold on, cause there's good who love God, life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming so hold on, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning yeah, yeah, before the morning, yeah, yeah Once you feel the way of glory, all your pain will fade to memory once you feel the way of glory, all your pain will fade to memory memory, memory, yeah Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming com'n, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the hurt before the healing the pain you've been feeling, just the dark before the morning before the morning, yeah, yeah before the morning

In an effort to feel like I am contributing to something meaningful, I have let this blog become very important to me. But I feel like I am getting to the point that I may just be writing to write. I feel like it has become my mission to not miss any days and to always have a message. For a while it was great because I was learning so much. Unfortunately, as I have returned to a somewhat normal existence, my spiritual journey has once again become somewhat stagnant. It’s completely my fault. I have let my pursuit of spiritual knowledge go back to my head instead of my heart. I have resorted to learning for the purpose of material to write about. Where it’s not bad for me to spend some time doing that, it has turned into the only time I spend with God. I found last night that writing had become more of an anxiety than release. I really don’t want any of that. I may not continue the daily posting and may just write daily and then just post periodically. I’m just not sure. For all I know, maybe no one is even reading at this point.

Writing is getting harder for me. I want to be honest, but I also feel a need to be discretionary since this maybe seen by people I actually know and I don’t want anyone to be hurt or offended by anything I say. I want to be uplifting and Christ-focused, but honestly so much of my day I don’t feel either one (I use up all my positive energy early in the day so most evenings when I get around to writing, it’s just gone). I mean everything I write here, so it’s getting harder to write so much of the time as I have such a hard time answering and putting into practice so many of the questions I end with everyday. Today I am going to write the way I did in the beginning (when it was a bit funner and a lot more fulfilling). I am just going to write what I feel. No plan, no theme (if one presents itself, great. If not, oh well.). There may be no picture or opening to tie it together. Today I just need to express myself, even if no one learns from it but me.

This living by faith business isn’t a cake walk (hhmm I’m totally going to have to wiki where that expression came from…). It’s funny, as I said that I remembered a quote I saw yesterday as I was flipping from my quote book (a notebook I write down funny/insightful things I hear/read). From “Fully Alive” by Rick Baldwin, “True faith is not just believing that a building can withstand 120 mph winds. It would be demonstrated by staying in the building as a hurricane with 120 mph wind bears down upon the site.” The thing is, that’s exactly how living by faith feels. It feels like you are watching and waiting for that wind to knock you down and blow you away. It’s being able to withstand life when it does.

I have to be honest, I have no idea how people who don’t believe do it. Seriously, I just don’t get it. How does anyone get by with no hope, no need for something bigger than themselves to exist? My problems aren’t even that great and I experience moments of hopelessness EVERY day. Every day I have to force myself to remember there is a merciful God in control. That my steps aren’t as irrelevant and insignificant as I feel. I am so grateful that this isn’t all there is. I am so thankful that my future was planned for me before I existed. Some would feel cheated by that, but I am just relieved. Maybe it’s just my need for order.

I definitely need to get back to a time of reflection and prayer. I can feel myself going back to my old ways: driven (and crushed) by unfounded expectations, easily angered, self-loathing, self-pitying, selfishness. I am ending a lot of days defeated and afraid of my future. I really don’t want that. I want the life of adventure God promises when we seek after Him, not my old life of just surviving until the next step.

I feel dumb for feeling the way I do. Like I should be past this and my problems don’t even compare to those of so many that suffer. I actually have a really great life. I then feel guilt for the way I feel. Seriously, the extent to which I lower my self-esteem is disturbing even to me. But it’s easier to blame myself than other people. It gives me someone to punish and really who knows how much I suck more than me?  I really don’t even know why I am typing any of this. I guess it makes me feel better to just admit it and go on. Hopefully, if you are reading this and you feel this way, you know it’s as wrong as I do. It doesn’t stop us from feeling that way, but it is wrong. Martin Luther said, “Guilt before the Cross is from God, guilt after the Cross is from Satan” (thanks once again to Y. Arrington for putting something so insightful on his fb). The guilt I (and probably many of you) constantly feel when we realize we don’t measure up is from the enemy. Fear is his greatest tool and what is scarier than feeling inadequate?

I always assumed I would grow out of these feelings. Like one day I would just mature into a self-accepting adult. Now I know, it just doesn’t work that way. I literally have to work EVERY day at learning to earn my own acceptance. It’s really hard. Once again, not a cake walk (seriously, maybe I shouldn’t use that, I have no idea what that really means).

My prayers to God are so often “it’s so hard here.” Life is just not easy. For anyone. If it is, more power to you, hope you are changing the world. But I bet if it is, it’s because you are just living for you. Hey, I’m not trying to judge, I’m just being observant. NOTHING worth having really comes easy. It’s not supposed to. We are supposed to struggle (hey, just thought of the song I’m gonna put up top-if you are this far you have already seen it so go back and re-read it because it’s amazing or just keep on).

Those are some life changing words: “the pain you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” Sometimes I just really need to hear that. I’m one of those people who get really caught up in what they are going through. I really feel like that’s how I am right now. I know for a fact I am right where God wants me. In fact lately I have been feeling exactly like I did a few years ago when I knew I was single for a reason because I knew there were people in my life God wanted me free to feed into. He has even put those people on my mind and heart repeatedly recently (when I haven’t been consumed with feeling sorry for myself). But I am having a hard time focusing on what He wants me to do. I just keep going right back to focusing on me.

I feel like getting to the place I want to be in life seems like so far away. I feel tired and weary. I feel like my tank is heading toward E. By not taking the time to stop for gas, I am just driving around with the light on. Seriously though, when that light goes on for real, I get my butt to a gas station ASAP! So why isn’t that what I’m focusing on? Why am I not running there full speed? Honestly, I’m lazy. I’m afraid. It’s not the easy answer I want.

I just started a new book by a couple I really like: “When God writes your life story” by Eric & Leslie Ludy. I have a feeling the main reason I am afraid & reluctant is because of a realization from something I read last night. They said (and I’m somewhat paraphrasing), “Spiritual growth is an endless frontier. You have taken one step into this endless frontier, and you are asking me how far you have gone. Well, you have only taken one measly step.” Of course the lines were written differently to prove a different point, but the only one I could think of is I have worked so hard and seemingly come so far and it’s only one step! Tomorrow marks a whole month. Not a month that I have been walking, but a month I have been struggling. The thought that I have only taken one or maybe even just a few steps is exhausting. Of course logically I realize this must be true, but it seems overwhelming.

The one bright spot: “this is just the hurt before the healing.”

Until I get past this point. Until I can look at that one step as triumph instead of lackluster disappointment, how can I make any others? They go on to say, “You have taken one step into the endless frontier of [spiritual growth]. And you are now one step farther into this frontier than 99.9 percent of the human race. But don’t be satisfied with just one step. Don’t settle for just being above average.”

So goal for the near future? Work on step number two. I want more than above average, I want extraordinary. “For life to be fully lived, it must wrestle the impossible and win. For life to be fully lived, the God of the Impossible must be fully trusted with the writing of the script.” May God start to write my script.

“If ever it seemed all hope was lost, it meant the almighty God of the Universe was near” (Ludy). He is definitely near. And I think I’m getting ready to let go.

Preparing to Fly

Adversity: The Story of the Butterfly

A man found the cocoon of a butterfly.

One day a small opening appeared. He watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther.

So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily.

But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract at any time. Neither happened!

The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening was God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been.

We would never fly.

I asked for Strength…And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom…And God gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity…And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage…And God gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love…And God gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors…And God gave me Opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted. I received everything I needed.

-Author Unknown

This has been a crazy week for me. A week has officially gone by since I sat in this very place and started my first blog. It feels like years ago. I know people say that, but it really does. I have done more transforming in the last week then I probably have in the last decade of my life. God is teaching me so many things, but more than that He is allowing me to feel and truly understand so many truths I have known most of my life. He’s also changing the way I look at life, how I view myself, the necessity of community, and what I know about Him.

God has taught me so many things this week about myself. He is slowly teaching me to love myself, that I am worthy of love, and so very blessed. I’m starting to appreciate my strengths without them being shadowed by my weaknesses. I made a gift for my friend the other day and while everyone was complementing how great it was, all I could see was the flaws. God’s teaching me that those weaknesses, those flaws, don’t define who I am, because there’s greatness there too. I see the strength I am gaining. I feel how much less self-conscious I am about the way I look and feel less worried about what others think. That’s huge for me. I feel less afraid to try things, even when I know they will hurt because I know I can survive them.

I had a really hard night last night. I went out with some friends (which was the good part) but realized I maybe wasn’t quite ready. My heart isn’t quite as healed as I would like to believe. I had some great conversations with some friends I care so much about, some of whom are going through as tough a time as I am, so I am glad I went. But once I got home I realized I had regressed a bit. I started getting attacked by my old way of thinking (anger, resentment, self loathing) but although my mind hasn’t changed, my heart has. I knew I didn’t want to go back to my old ways, I didn’t want all this struggle to be for nothing. I called my sister (who was thankfully still awake even though it was 3 am) and reached out for help. That’s what God created us for, He gave us each different abilities for this very reason. When I talked to her, I asked for simple things: to be reminded that I’m going to be ok, I’m loved, I’m not alone. I asked for help to remind me of what I truly believe, not with just knowledge, but with faith. I told her I just wish God would lake the pain away, not fix my problem, but just not make it hurt anymore. What she told me afterward I’m sure will continue to shake me for quite some time. She told me: “Maybe you just aren’t ready to be painless yet. Maybe God knows that if He takes the pain away, you will stop growing and He’s not done with you yet.” I keep feeling like one day I will just be ok, I will just be done, but maybe God will be working on me for a long time (hopefully the rest of my life). Suddenly, the pain doesn’t feel so overwhelming because I’m still growing. They don’t call them growing pains for nothing.

Thank God for the people in my life. God is teaching me how important it is to reach out when I need help, but also to remember that there are people who might need me to reach out to them. There have been a few friends on my mind and heart lately that I feel my struggle can help. I am praying so hard for them and any role God might have for me in their lives. My hope and prayer with this blog is that these words God has given me will meet someone else where they are and pull them back from the edge. We need support, we weren’t meant to walk this life alone. Maybe God will send me to fulfill a need in their lives, encourage with words, live as an example, or just be the only “Jesus” they let get close to them.

Now that I feel this need to “reach out” to these people I have to stop and confess a bad habit I have. I often feel the need to carry other’s burdens. Where this might seem a noble act, it’s also one that can come with debilitating consequences for that person. That role is not my responsibility. For example: yes, if someone over spends I could continue to loan them money (I’m not saying it shouldn’t be done occasionally-we all make mistakes and need help) but after months or years of this happening, they will have learned nothing, feel no need to learn to budget because they were never forced to experience the consequences (pain) of their mistake (ridiculous overdraft charges!). Much like I need the continued pain to grow, so does everyone else. It’s important to not let our need to help stifle someone else’s growth opportunity.

The biggest lesson I have learned this week is a change to how I view God Himself and our relationship. I have always viewed God as a loving creator and friend, a parental figure and advisor. But you know, the kind of friend you love and go see when you get a chance, the kind that will be there when you need them, but not the priority of my life. I, of course, knew that wasn’t the way God wants, but did not know how to change that and let’s be honest there’s always something else to do, something else that demands our focus. As foolish people, we often need something drastic to happen for us to change our habits or addictions to our unhealthy lifestyle, the things that keep us from leading a fuller life. The result God is looking for: us to see Him for who He is.

I believe one of the reasons we put God in this little affectionate, yet distant box is because we don’t really understand how He feels about us. That’s understandable. His love for us is incomprehensible, it’s not something we can actually experience. But He gives us the closest example with the concept of parenting. Sadly this isn’t always a positive example for all people. However, you may have kids or want to have kids one day and can possibly imagine how you will feel the day you see your kid hurting. Imagine they have surgery for something debilitating and terminal. It will be painful, scary, and extensive, but the end result will be a healthy and whole child with a chance to live. Your kid is desperate for you to help them, you would give anything to bear their pain and give in to what they want. But you know more than their young minds do, you know that this procedure will be the only way for them to truly experience life to the fullest or truly have a life at all. You know the benefits will be well worth the pain and recovery your child endures (and you consequently endure). This is the way God loves us. He sees us living debilitating and terminal lives. He hears us cry out to Him in pain and, like a loving father, He longs to give us what we want, He weeps when we weep. He allows Himself (seriously the Creator of the UNIVERSE!) to feel pain along with us. Because he knows more than our young minds do. He knows the result brings freedom, full lives, and is well worth the pain. Wow! How do you hear that and not learn to appreciate being right where you are: broken, bruised, and loved from your head to your toes.

The story above was sent to me years ago, back in the time of chain emails. It hangs in my house. I just suddenly remembered it and wanted to share. There is undoubtedly a purpose to our struggles. Don’t give up, God isn’t going to waste His time giving us what we want, He’s going to hand craft us everything we need. He’s going to enable us to fly. Fly with me, friends…that’s what we were made for!

What is God teaching you about yourself, others, and/or Himself right now? Would you listen if you weren’t struggling, if it wasn’t hard?
How does it make you feel to know God loves you so much he suffers when you suffer? Does it change your view of suffering?