Friday, October 1, 2010

Making it through the night

“We rely on God for what we need today and let God take care of tomorrow.”
-CCCC Growth G-Pack, Week 3 “Practicing Prayer”

I am definitely learning that I am my own greatest deterrent to growth. Sometimes I question if that’s even what I want for myself. If I even truly want more. It’s so easy to fall back into the easy, empty way of living.

I don’t know what it was about today, but for some reason, against my better judgment, I convinced myself today would be the day that things would be different. For a while it was. For the most part it was pretty upbeat and I felt peaceful. I allowed myself, for just a while, to believe that was my indication that maybe I was growing enough or had grown enough that things were about to move. That maybe soon I would get to move out of this waiting phase. You see, as much as I know it’s essential I go through it, I hate it so much. I mentioned yesterday that I feel like I have wasted so much of the last 10 years. I’m ready to move toward something and yet again, I feel like God is saying to wait.

I would be lying if I said I was at peace with that. I absolutely am not. I’m tired of the waiting. I’m tired, period. It’s so hard to look at your life and feel like you have no idea how you got there or where you are going.

I fight myself more than anything. I fight against my need to control every facet of my situation knowing that I only know a part of the puzzle of what God has in store. I break my own heart with endless expectations of how things should or could be. I make something out of everything and nothing. I make me miserable.

This is a hard night for me; the enemy knows that and is trying to defeat me. But I refuse. I have known far greater pain than this and have survived it. I just have to hold on until this night is over. Deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.  

I started writing this blog early in the night because I was nothing but unhappy and hoped I would gain some insight by writing or at least get out some pent up feelings. I was lonely and for once wishing someone else would reach out to me. Thankfully, one of my closest friends did. In the hour we spent talking, crying, & laughing, two other friends did too, but those for help of their own. God always manages to teach me even when I’m interested.

I have been reminded tonight that just because I feel alone, doesn’t mean God hasn’t surrounded my life with people who care about me. I am so thankful for that. But He also reminded me that focusing on others rather than just my sadness goes a long way toward dealing with my “rut”. That’s what this whole life is about right? Loving each other and receiving love.   

I have been so consumed with me tonight. What I feel, don’t feel, should feel, can’t feel, want to feel. I’ve been thinking about the fact I have no idea what is from God and what is just me looking for what I want. I’m reminded of the chapter in “When God writes your life story” by Eric & Leslie Ludy that I mentioned a few days ago. Christ says, “Abide in Me.” 

The Ludy’s say, “Choosing the right college, the right career, the right ministry, and the right spouse is important. But most of us become so caught up in trying to make those key decisions that we fail to build on the foundation stone of a successful life-bringing our entire existence under the control of God Almighty every hour of every day. When we abide in Christ, all the other pieces in our life supernaturally fall into place. The more we abide in Christ, the less we have to wonder the specific steps He wants us to take in life. We will just know. But it is all too easy to get caught up in seeking answers rather than simply seeking Him. So when I need to make a decision and no answers seem to be coming my way, I take my focus off “solving the problem” and simply spend time in the presence of my King. And inevitably, as I focus on Him, the answers become clear.”

I have been discouraged tonight because I have been feeling the hopelessness I experienced when this time started. I found myself saying things and feeling things I know aren’t true. I KNOW that no matter how I feel, nothing is hopeless because God has me just where He wants me. I jus have a hard time accepting I need to stay here for a while. I still need to get to know Him better. As I do, I will eventually see progression and feel less confused.

I have been saying how confused I am, but I think the reality is that I just don’t like the answer God is giving me. But God isn’t in the business of creating just happiness but wholeness. What a merciful savior that He won’t let me out of this place till I’m ready for what’s next.

Is hopelessness knocking at your door? Seek Him; even if the answers He gives aren’t what you want, they are what you need.

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