Monday, October 11, 2010

Saying goodbye to my preconceived life

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me
-“I’m Letting Go” by Francesca Battistelli

I have always thought I knew how my life would go. Being the OCD control freak I am, I even planned the whole thing out. As the years have come and gone, I just saw that as God pushing those plans back, not changing them or potentially taking them away. I mean, who am I without them? I don’t know any other way or any other life.

Based on my desires and with the example of other strong Christian’s lives around me, I believed there is a formula to how my life will go. If I’m honest with myself, I still do. So, now that my life no longer fits the “plan” and the formula no longer applies, I just feel lost. I spend most of my day dreaming about getting that plan (or at least the part that’s gone) back or fearing that I will never get it at all. I don’t mean to sound like I doubt God has the power to do whatever He chooses; I’m just starting to fear that maybe those plans were never meant to be my life.

Granted, a lot of this is brought on by my dramatic tendencies, stress, and my never-ending exhaustion. But I just feel like I don’t understand so much of what God is doing. Don’t get me wrong, A LOT of it I do. I see why I NEEDED the struggle and how it is changing me. I see how I never would have changed without it. But I just don’t see how some of the distractions from that growth (steps that were clearly placed by God) are in my path. I feel like they keep me from growing, keep me struggling for control.

It is crazy to look up and realize I have come to know myself so well. It is discouraging to see that means I am still prone to destructive tendencies in my life. It’s sad to see how I hurt myself over and over again. I am learning that it is impossible to move on by myself. I just don’t have the will or a way. And either God doesn’t want me to right now (because let’s be honest things aren’t going to happen without is say-so) or I’m broken beyond repair. I’m going to guess it’s the first because why else would God bother (plus He puts us just where He wants us).     

I don’t doubt God’s power or what He is doing here. Everything that happens, He either brings or allows. It’s the “me” part I don’t have much faith in. I feel so caught up in what I want/have/don’t want/don’t have. This growth period isn’t just about God changing who I am, but how I live and how I think. Maybe some of the hold up is that I don’t necessarily want all that change.                        

The lyrics above are not a statement; I cannot honestly say that is how I feel. They are a dream, a prayer. I wish I could let go. I truly believe that if I ever could, I would finally feel free. I don’t feel free right now, I feel trapped in a life I don’t want & certainly didn’t ask for. But to quote Yancey Arrington (I believe I have used this before), “God’s will is not giving you everything you want but everything He wants for you.”

I feel like I need to start finding ways to say goodbye to my preconceived life. God may (and most likely one day will) choose to give me those desires; He probably placed most of them on my heart. But if He does not, I have two options: spend my life mourning what I don’t have or find a way (with God’s help) to accept that they are not mine. That’s a lot of what I have been struggling with lately. Letting go of the life I thought would be mine, the family I thought I would have, and they way I thought things would go. Accepting that I may never get those things back.

I start to feel panic at the thought of not having control. Some of the only way I get by the belief I know how this is going to turn out. But truth is I don’t. Who knows, I might die tomorrow and all of this was for someone else’s growth. We aren’t guaranteed any of it. Just that God is in control and has a purpose to all He does. I want to be encouraged by that and am ashamed that mostly I still just fear. I still don’t know how to accept that what I want, feel, and have aren’t what this life is about. 

Tonight I ask God to prime my heart for the next stage: acceptance. Until I accept what I can’t change, I can’t accept the beauties in what God is changing and where this change is going. Is this where you are? Consider asking God to help you let go.

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