I chose not to write/post yesterday for multiple reasons. For one, I was gone most of the day with my family and when I got home I was exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and the events of the day had me worn out (and a little sunburned and I always get sick as a result, boo!). The other reason is that I felt like I had nothing but negative to write about.
As much as I want consistency for this blog, I want intentionality more. I would love the gratification that would come from having the discipline to never miss a day posting, but the reality is I don’t really have that anyway and that’s not what I want this to be about. So I chose not to post, because I wasn’t in the mind frame to hear and impart what I felt like God was teaching me. Honestly, I did not care.
One of my goals here is to be honest (while maintaining some discretion for the benefit of others and the little bit of pride I have left, haha). The honesty of my situation is that I am realizing I have a little beef with God. It’s hard to say or admit that to myself and anyone else, but it’s true. I don’t think God says that’s bad, He created us with emotions. But what He doesn’t want is for us not to come to Him to deal with that anger or worse, continue to deny it exists at all. That’s what I’ve done this past week after hearing last weekend’s news. I have been running from God and harboring this grudge toward Him. I’m not even sure that’s what I meant to do. It’s just what’s happening.
At the risk of sounding like a ten year old, I just really feel like my current situation is really unfair (ok, ok, cue the “life isn’t fair speech”). I totally get that, I say the same thing. But I can’t help but be angry. Angry that my situation can’t be like everyone else who has been through this. I don’t want to be special, I don’t want the purpose, I just want to be average. I just want to be like everyone else. I feel bad saying that, because I know there are a lot of people who would trade their circumstance for mine. But, again, I said I want to be honest and that’s just how I feel.
I feel a little bit of anger about being left out of the loop. I know I have no right to ask for God to tell me anything and that He is definitely doing me a favor by keeping it from me, but I still selfishly hold onto that anger. Knowing that faith is definitely not my spiritual gift, I feel like that’s the hardest part of my situation. Logically I know God has such a wonderful plan in place. One that’s so beautiful that when I look back I’m going to look at this time with the fondest memories because they got me to that place. But knowing that doesn’t keep me from hating it now and feeling slightly bitter about it.
I feel like my irrational anger also turns me toward a fear of God. Not a healthy respectful fear, but a fear of Him and His plan. As totally unfair toward Him it is, I feel afraid to want things. I’m afraid He will take them from me. I feel like in some ways I am being punished.
**I want to stop here and emphasize my use of the word FEEL. These are my current self-involved feelings NOT facts. God does not punish (He may guide, but not with the intention to hurt you, but to grow you). The reality is that all the things I am going through are necessary (although some of it, I have no idea why).
Not to end on a bad note, but I’m just not sure where to go from here. I know God is telling me to move my focus back on Him, that’s where I was doing better, but I’m not gonna lie it’s really hard. I, I, I, me, me, me. That’s all it feels like I think about: what I want. But I also remember saying I want more. I don’t just want the kind of life built within the limited view of my mind’s possibilities. I want the limitless ones that come with the blessings of the God of the Impossible.
Yancey Arrington (CCCC Teaching Pastor) said, “God’s will isn’t giving you everything you want but everything He wants for you.” Angry or not, I can’t deny how important that statement is. To be honest, my anger is rooted out of my shallow human belief that any of this (or worst, all of this) is about me. God isn’t wasting His time giving me what I want (He’d just end up fixing my mess anyway). He’s forming in me what He wants while I sit in the corner having my ten-year-old temper tantrum.
As hard as it is, I need to realize my need to accept that I am angry and bring that anger before God. Only He has the power to do what I can’t and set me back on the right path. I considered not finishing this post because I still feel angry. But God is already working on that anger by giving me the words to say. The next thing I can do is to keep giving Him my problems instead of focusing on why they are happening, for what purpose, and how unfair it seems. I am completely powerless to stop it anyway. Seriously, God has boxed me into a corner that I can’t run away from (short of quitting my job, dropping all my friends, etc). He undoubtedly has a reason. I just need to accept it, even if I never know what that is.
By being honest with myself and God, even about the bad stuff, I give the power of my life to the only one who has the power to control it. At least it’s in good hands.