Thursday, September 23, 2010

Dodging Boulders

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides.
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord through the flames

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

-Desert Song

This has been a strange day for me. I feel like all day I was being attacked. Nothing specific happened, no one hurt me and no actual event took place that should have shaken my emotions. It was actually a pretty boring day. However, all day I fought for control of how I felt. Today I have experienced happiness, peace, anger, fear, & hopelessness. Yes, you may argue that it’s because I’m a woman or even that’s how going through a grief process is, but I find it too coincidental that these feelings have appeared (with such strong force) on the heels of feeling like I am getting to a point in life where I am learning to surrender.

I have had the benefit of growing up with parents that are firm believers. One thing they would always say is that if you feel like you are being attacked, it’s probably because you are doing something right. Your actions are forcing a reaction from the enemy. They would always say that if things were always easy, you aren’t a threat to him. Well I must definitely be doing something right because I feel like he has spent the day picking through my insecurities and hitting me where it hurts. Seriously, some of them were just stupid too but we all know he’s not above that.

I am getting the feeling that the enemy is grasping at places to attack me in my life. My relationship with Christ is growing stronger every day. As I no longer am pursing Him out of sheer desperation, but with a desire to get to know Him better, I feel this growing confidence to battle the despair that has a habit of clawing at me. This is extremely exciting for me. I find that when I am afraid and losing control, that I can keep reminding myself this is how God is molding me into the person He wants me to be. I am starting to look forward to what He has in store instead of cowering in the corner wishing I was anywhere else, anyone else.

I have to admit though, this is really getting frustrating. It would be nice to have one day I don’t feel like I’m walking through a hurricane. Unfortunately, that’s just not how it works. Life is a series of seasons-of feeling dry & empty, of pain & suffering, of fighting a battle, and of bearing fruit. Leaning on Christ through the seasons of growth in our lives prepares and enables us to bear the strongest, most praise worthy fruit. That’s what we were created to do, to live lives that proclaim the glory of Christ. Of course satan wants his chance to ruin that at every pass.

I heard the song above for the first time today and I love it! I am so grateful that I do have a reason to worship. That there are no weapons that remain when put up against Christ. I made it through today. Satan did not win. Take that, sucka!!  (Sorry, I had to!) And every victory I co-conquer with Christ. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty cool!

Do you ever feel like you are seeking Christ and being punished for it? Is it encouraging to you to think it could be because what you are doing is making difference?
Pursue Christ all costs. Be blessed my friends.

*I want to clarify that I am specifically referencing hard times that come when you are actively pursuing Christ in you walk and life. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, we are stubborn people and we have a merciful God that allows things to happen to set us back on the right path (ex in my life: a break up that forces me to rely on God for my future and seek Him to become my fulfillment). I do not believe this is an act by the enemy, but an event God allowed to put into motion to mold and grow me as both a follower of Him and as an adult. As a result, the enemy is trying to stop me from growing by forcing “bad” things to happen (specifically hit me in all the areas I am vulnerable, for me it usually has to do with emotions & self-esteem). I just want to clarify that I am specifically talking about the boulders that are hurled at you while you are climbing the mountain, not the events that lead to the climb. Hope that wasn’t confusing, I just wanted some clarification for those who may not have had as much experience in this area (not sure if that make you lucky or not).

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