Monday, September 27, 2010

Loosening my grip

“It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of making new ones. The way we insist on believing that anything in this life is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience that change, that’s up to us. It can feel like death or a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, and go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment we can be born all over again.”
-Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

Change is a really hard thing for me. I don’t do well with it and have been known to brace my feet against the door and hold with all my might at the past. I guess it’s a fear of the unknown, a need to control, a lack of will. Maybe it’s simply the fear that what is to come won’t measure up. Maybe I forgot the phrase, “the best times of your life have not yet been lived.” Maybe it’s just simply a lack of faith. Faith that God has good things planned, that He has ALL things planned. Maybe it’s a little fear of that fact too.

I have mentioned before my need for comfort and contentment. I like living within my comfort zone. But, the only thing that’s wrong with being in that comfort zone is that nothing ever changes when you’re in it. My first thought is, yeah, that’s why I like it. It’s stable and unwavering. But it’s also a crutch. There’s no growth there. There’s no fulfillment. It’s like living in a perpetual existence of waiting and receiving no satisfaction. It’s also a lie.

Like the quote from Grey’s Anatomy (bite me, I like that show and you have to admit that statement is good…I left out all the science parts because I’m more a social sciences kinda person), change is constant. Think about life: our bodies, age, the seasons/weather, time, fashion styles, phrases, music, art, knowledge, and technology. All of those things change. They don’t necessarily disappear, but they become less relevant as that change occurs. They may influence our change, but they do not remain constant.

This is true of our past as well. Letting go of that past, or rather moving onto a new part of life is so hard. What if we never find that again? What if that’s the best it will ever be? What if it’s too hard to make new memories, accept new things, be different? What if moving on, changing, and/or growing means nothing IS permanent? That’s such a scary thought that we usually don’t even let it cross our minds. That’s the goal for most of us, right? Go to school, get a job, buy the house & stuff, build a family. It’s all in pursuit of building stability, to create permanence. 

But to think that we can escape change is, just as they said, unnatural. God created us for a need for change. The whole idea of surrendering your heart to Him is built upon the idea that we need a change to begin with. Growth is impossible if we cannot and will not change. Growth is a change. 

Where I am dealing with only subtle changes in my life (well they are huge to me), the real ones I am experiencing are within myself. It’s kind of confusing for me. I feel like I have been plucked from my existence, grown a decade and then placed back to live the same life. (Haha when I told my brother-in-law that he was like; well you haven’t aged a day. And I was like oh great, so I still look 13?). My desire to maintain stability, comfort, and avoid pain keep me from beginning the outward representation of that change in my life.

I feel like big change is around the corner for my life. I feel like God is using this time as a preparation for that change. There are specifically 5 areas in my life (myself, my relationship with God, the unspoken issue I mentioned yesterday, relationships with friends God is putting on my heart to love on, and my job) that I know for a fact God has big plans for me (and big changes in the somewhat near future) that He is readying me for. I am honestly excited and scared out of my mind. The strength alone required for those changes seems to be in short supply within me. I guess that’s why God keeps bringing me back to this place where He reminds me I can’t do it alone.

Realizing we have needs that we can’t fulfill on our own is a part of change too. Physical change is scary, but you learn to accept it whether you learn to love it or not. Emotional, spiritual, & psychological change, those must be developed. I’m learning first hand that it isn’t as simple as just accepting that change, we must grow to desire it as a part of our existence, our transformation. We all want to be better people; to know God’s will for our lives. He tells us in Romans 12:2a, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” God is calling us to real change.

Change is inevitable. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want it to feel like death for me. I want the “second chance at life.”

Will you embrace this and allow God to nurture your heart in preparation for the change He has in store? Or will you just keep cowering in fear? 

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