Sunday, September 26, 2010

For Those Who Wait

This is for those who wait

Another day, another waiting game
A little different but it’s still the same
I am here, but where’s the one I am longing for?
I’m having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart never find a home?
I want to hope but sometimes I just don’t know
I know I’m not the only one

So we sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free
When you’re fighting to believe
In a love that you can’t see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I’m growing stronger every single day
God, I’m going to lean into You now
Letting go of all my fear and doubt
I can’t do this on my own so I’ll give you control
I know I’m not the only one

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

-“For those who wait” by Fireflight

Once again, the messages God is leading me to just reinforce what He is already teaching me. Church this morning was just that. About how I have previously mentioned that feelings aren’t facts and I can’t keep continuing to let those emotions dictate how I react to life or how I set my path. I have been thinking a lot about God’s will for my life and those around me (which just “happens” to be the series being taught currently there). I have been aspiring to attain some spiritual growth which is the direction we are leading our small group into and of course, the exact same message is being taught there as in service and what I feel like God has already been placing in my heart. Do not be deceived; I am proof positive that if you seek after Christ, He’s going to answer back. Be prepared though, it isn’t going to be what you want but everything you need.

I once again am at a limbo period in my life. I have been trying hard to convince myself that life is one way and accepting it is the first way to surrender. And then last night, I learned some news that changes that game completely. I still can’t decide if that news is supposed to help or hinder me. Maybe it’s both.

I feel like I am stuck in a war, but it’s with myself. I mentioned yesterday that I am at a sort of crossroad. I find that I am the same person as before wanting the same things. But my heart is completely different. After standing in the face of beauty, you can’t ever go back to looking for fulfillment in the world of the shallow and meaningless. I don’t mean that to be mean, trust me I like the things of this world and want to be a part of it, but I know that I can never find my heart’s desire in anything of it. That scares the crap out of me. This world, this life is all I know. But it’s also not enough. A true encounter with Jesus changes everything.

This information I received has me more confused than ever. It helps me in the sense that it gives me the confidence of knowing that some of what I convince myself of by way of low self-esteem isn’t true. It hurts me because the news makes me just want to jump in the driver’s seat instead of turning over they keys of control of my life. It’s complicated and confusing (I’m sorry, I know it’s super confusing for any readers who don’t know what I am talking about, but I jut feel the need to keep this kind of vague to protect others).

The funny part of the situation is that I asked God for this. I asked Him to reveal one of two truths so that I could gain some peace about my situation. And as usual, just because you get what you want, doesn’t mean you will feel the way you thought you would when you get it. I think this may be God’s way of reminding me that no matter what I want, if I want to learn to fully surrender, that there will be times that I just have to continue to wait. Even when I get a glimpse of the finish line, it doesn’t mean He’s clearing me to sprint to the finish. The marathon is nowhere near the finish. Like I said before, this news makes me feel good about one situation, but it changes nothing. In fact, in some ways it just makes the waiting harder.

“Those hard times that happened to you can become the best things that ever happened to help yourself and to help others. And those will be the cornerstones of your entire life and the basis and the formation of your character.” (Dawn Michele from Fireflight about the above song, “For those who wait”). This whole time in my life is about building my character. I think God is currently taking a new tactic in my teaching now that I’m actually listening. I think He is trying to show me that getting what I want isn’t as fulfilling and peaceful as I expect. It doesn’t change anything; it just brings more for me to worry about.

Yancey (at my church Clear Creek Community Church) mentioned today how we imagine God’s will as this path that we have to fulfill specific behaviors to stay on. He mentioned how hard we make it for ourselves to try to maintain that path because as imperfect humans we don’t have the ability to do. We put insane amounts of pressure on ourselves to do so ourselves instead of looking to Christ for it. But I realized today, that it scares me a little to realize that isn’t how following God’s will works. The “path” makes things finite and theoretically attainable. No path seems even scarier than the unattainable one. (Do not be confused that I am saying God doesn’t have a plan or a will-He tells us He absolutely does, it’s just not found by following this alleged “path” to the right anything).

I got this strange feeling tonight as I was obsessively over analyzing EVERYTHING like I always do. I feel God telling me that He gave me a little of what I wanted, but to rest on everything else. I just got this feeling He’s telling me: “I got this, go back to what I told you to work on”. So, back to working on seeking Him, growing as a person & loving on the people He is putting in my path. You with me?

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