Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I’m not okay…is that alright?

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on

Honestly, I’m not that strong
And I move closer to you
I’m not all right…that’s why I need you

“I’m Not Alright” by Sanctus Real

I think I’m getting sick. I have been stressed out from not sleeping well (restless dreaming & constantly waking up upset) or eating well (I almost always feel sick to my stomach). On top of having such a hard time, I’m spending a lot of my time pretending I’m ok, but I’m not. It’s a necessity some of the time, like at work or around some friends. I mean I can’t just start crying whenever I feel like it. I also am getting more hesitant to continue calling my friends and family for every struggle, not because I think they won’t be there for me, but because I feel like I’m becoming a broken record. But I am an emotional person and keeping some of it in is just starting to take its toll.

Why does our society say it’s not ok to admit “I’m not alright”? We all have weaknesses. Doesn’t trying to hide them all the time often hinder our abilities to overcome those weaknesses? Those broken places are where we define our true character within ourselves and in Christ. Colin Creel form “Perspectives” says, “For it is in brokenness that Jesus begins to mean more to us than ever before. He delights to move in the broken places in our hearts so that He may be our healing.” If this is true, and I undoubtedly believe it is, then why are we fighting it?

I feel like I have spent so much of my time lately trying to convince myself that I’m ok. Trying to live life as normally as I can, trying to avoid lingering on thoughts of the past (a happier time). I kind of feel like if I focus on something else, I can just avoid some of the pain, end my time of grieving. But my mom reminded me last night that if you do not take your time to grieve, you will just be stuck in this grief process and never truly leave it. Trying to push myself to be ok just because a certain amount of time has gone by isn’t going to get me farther down the road, it’s going to slow me down.   

I feel like I’m moving into a time in my grief where I’m spending most of my time in limbo. I have occasional highs (where I feel truly happy) and lows (where I am down and allow my unhappiness to prevail), but for the most part I’m spending my time feeling average, lukewarm if you will. The funny thing is, I wished for this, asked for it even. But, as is the case with most things we get from wanting, it isn’t the way I expected it to be. I don’t feel free, I feel unmotivated and confused. There is no passion or desperation, there’s only mediocrity. I admit, it’s a bit confusing and extremely discouraging.

I remember thinking the other day I just wish I could go back to the way life used to be (months ago). Life was hardly fulfilling but it wasn’t too unpleasant. There was little pain, but there was also no growth there. I just lived in limbo waiting for my life to begin, not actually living. I realized yesterday I can’t ever go back, my life will never be the same. It’s not supposed to. I may do the same things and live some of the same way, but I’m not the same person. It was safe there, but God isn’t asking (or letting me for that matter) go back to living a safe existence. I asked to live life and it isn’t found there.

I have been talking about how this time of suffering (and surrendering) I am in has mostly revealed to me my need for focus, to put Christ at my focus to truly change the way I think, live, & love: true surrender. The lukewarm existence is built on the lack of need for faith, sacrifice, or reliance on God. It’s safe but it’s also hollow. There’s no result, only opportunities lost. If we ever want to truly change, we cannot be afraid of the difficulties we will encounter to do so.

Fear is the enemy’s greatest tool. He uses our fear to convince us we have no hope, no safety. That if we box ourselves in pain can’t find us. I think the saddest thing that can happen to someone is to never experience any pain. Yes, you live a safe life that way, but then the enemy wins. You continue to live life the way he wants, mediocre. God desires for us to have so much more. Brooke Fraser’s song “C.S. Lewis Song” says, “Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.” 

I’m tired of living the lukewarm life. I don’t want to miss out on who I was born to become. This pain is temporary, but the relationship forged out of it is eternal. It’s time I give more of me instead of waiting for God to put me in a place I have to. I want to live with my eyes wide open. This is my wakeup call.    

What is yours?

If I could open up my eyes to see
All the beauty that’s in front of me
Then I would never want to go to sleep
When it’s you and only you I see

Come wake me up and shake the sleep
Out of my life so I can see
What you mean to me
Invade my soul and stir until it grows
A hunger for your love
Oh come wake me up

If I could somehow find the strength to rise
To pull the veil back from my weary eyes
Then I know that I would be just fine
When it’s you and only you I find

Come wake me up and shake the sleep
Out of my life so I can see
What you mean to me
Invade my soul and stir until it grows
A hunger for your love
Oh come wake me up

Open up our eyes to see you
Open up our hearts to love
Open up our eyes to see you
Open up our hearts to love

“Wake Me Up” by Burgundy Road

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