Steps

(Monday's post)

Do you wonder why you have to, feel the things that hurt you, if there's a God who loves you, where is He now? Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming so hold on, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going, you just don't know how you get there so just say a prayer. and hold on, cause there's good who love God, life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming so hold on, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning yeah, yeah, before the morning, yeah, yeah Once you feel the way of glory, all your pain will fade to memory once you feel the way of glory, all your pain will fade to memory memory, memory, yeah Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming com'n, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the hurt before the healing the pain you've been feeling, just the dark before the morning before the morning, yeah, yeah before the morning

In an effort to feel like I am contributing to something meaningful, I have let this blog become very important to me. But I feel like I am getting to the point that I may just be writing to write. I feel like it has become my mission to not miss any days and to always have a message. For a while it was great because I was learning so much. Unfortunately, as I have returned to a somewhat normal existence, my spiritual journey has once again become somewhat stagnant. It’s completely my fault. I have let my pursuit of spiritual knowledge go back to my head instead of my heart. I have resorted to learning for the purpose of material to write about. Where it’s not bad for me to spend some time doing that, it has turned into the only time I spend with God. I found last night that writing had become more of an anxiety than release. I really don’t want any of that. I may not continue the daily posting and may just write daily and then just post periodically. I’m just not sure. For all I know, maybe no one is even reading at this point.

Writing is getting harder for me. I want to be honest, but I also feel a need to be discretionary since this maybe seen by people I actually know and I don’t want anyone to be hurt or offended by anything I say. I want to be uplifting and Christ-focused, but honestly so much of my day I don’t feel either one (I use up all my positive energy early in the day so most evenings when I get around to writing, it’s just gone). I mean everything I write here, so it’s getting harder to write so much of the time as I have such a hard time answering and putting into practice so many of the questions I end with everyday. Today I am going to write the way I did in the beginning (when it was a bit funner and a lot more fulfilling). I am just going to write what I feel. No plan, no theme (if one presents itself, great. If not, oh well.). There may be no picture or opening to tie it together. Today I just need to express myself, even if no one learns from it but me.

This living by faith business isn’t a cake walk (hhmm I’m totally going to have to wiki where that expression came from…). It’s funny, as I said that I remembered a quote I saw yesterday as I was flipping from my quote book (a notebook I write down funny/insightful things I hear/read). From “Fully Alive” by Rick Baldwin, “True faith is not just believing that a building can withstand 120 mph winds. It would be demonstrated by staying in the building as a hurricane with 120 mph wind bears down upon the site.” The thing is, that’s exactly how living by faith feels. It feels like you are watching and waiting for that wind to knock you down and blow you away. It’s being able to withstand life when it does.

I have to be honest, I have no idea how people who don’t believe do it. Seriously, I just don’t get it. How does anyone get by with no hope, no need for something bigger than themselves to exist? My problems aren’t even that great and I experience moments of hopelessness EVERY day. Every day I have to force myself to remember there is a merciful God in control. That my steps aren’t as irrelevant and insignificant as I feel. I am so grateful that this isn’t all there is. I am so thankful that my future was planned for me before I existed. Some would feel cheated by that, but I am just relieved. Maybe it’s just my need for order.

I definitely need to get back to a time of reflection and prayer. I can feel myself going back to my old ways: driven (and crushed) by unfounded expectations, easily angered, self-loathing, self-pitying, selfishness. I am ending a lot of days defeated and afraid of my future. I really don’t want that. I want the life of adventure God promises when we seek after Him, not my old life of just surviving until the next step.

I feel dumb for feeling the way I do. Like I should be past this and my problems don’t even compare to those of so many that suffer. I actually have a really great life. I then feel guilt for the way I feel. Seriously, the extent to which I lower my self-esteem is disturbing even to me. But it’s easier to blame myself than other people. It gives me someone to punish and really who knows how much I suck more than me?  I really don’t even know why I am typing any of this. I guess it makes me feel better to just admit it and go on. Hopefully, if you are reading this and you feel this way, you know it’s as wrong as I do. It doesn’t stop us from feeling that way, but it is wrong. Martin Luther said, “Guilt before the Cross is from God, guilt after the Cross is from Satan” (thanks once again to Y. Arrington for putting something so insightful on his fb). The guilt I (and probably many of you) constantly feel when we realize we don’t measure up is from the enemy. Fear is his greatest tool and what is scarier than feeling inadequate?

I always assumed I would grow out of these feelings. Like one day I would just mature into a self-accepting adult. Now I know, it just doesn’t work that way. I literally have to work EVERY day at learning to earn my own acceptance. It’s really hard. Once again, not a cake walk (seriously, maybe I shouldn’t use that, I have no idea what that really means).

My prayers to God are so often “it’s so hard here.” Life is just not easy. For anyone. If it is, more power to you, hope you are changing the world. But I bet if it is, it’s because you are just living for you. Hey, I’m not trying to judge, I’m just being observant. NOTHING worth having really comes easy. It’s not supposed to. We are supposed to struggle (hey, just thought of the song I’m gonna put up top-if you are this far you have already seen it so go back and re-read it because it’s amazing or just keep on).

Those are some life changing words: “the pain you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” Sometimes I just really need to hear that. I’m one of those people who get really caught up in what they are going through. I really feel like that’s how I am right now. I know for a fact I am right where God wants me. In fact lately I have been feeling exactly like I did a few years ago when I knew I was single for a reason because I knew there were people in my life God wanted me free to feed into. He has even put those people on my mind and heart repeatedly recently (when I haven’t been consumed with feeling sorry for myself). But I am having a hard time focusing on what He wants me to do. I just keep going right back to focusing on me.

I feel like getting to the place I want to be in life seems like so far away. I feel tired and weary. I feel like my tank is heading toward E. By not taking the time to stop for gas, I am just driving around with the light on. Seriously though, when that light goes on for real, I get my butt to a gas station ASAP! So why isn’t that what I’m focusing on? Why am I not running there full speed? Honestly, I’m lazy. I’m afraid. It’s not the easy answer I want.

I just started a new book by a couple I really like: “When God writes your life story” by Eric & Leslie Ludy. I have a feeling the main reason I am afraid & reluctant is because of a realization from something I read last night. They said (and I’m somewhat paraphrasing), “Spiritual growth is an endless frontier. You have taken one step into this endless frontier, and you are asking me how far you have gone. Well, you have only taken one measly step.” Of course the lines were written differently to prove a different point, but the only one I could think of is I have worked so hard and seemingly come so far and it’s only one step! Tomorrow marks a whole month. Not a month that I have been walking, but a month I have been struggling. The thought that I have only taken one or maybe even just a few steps is exhausting. Of course logically I realize this must be true, but it seems overwhelming.

The one bright spot: “this is just the hurt before the healing.”

Until I get past this point. Until I can look at that one step as triumph instead of lackluster disappointment, how can I make any others? They go on to say, “You have taken one step into the endless frontier of [spiritual growth]. And you are now one step farther into this frontier than 99.9 percent of the human race. But don’t be satisfied with just one step. Don’t settle for just being above average.”

So goal for the near future? Work on step number two. I want more than above average, I want extraordinary. “For life to be fully lived, it must wrestle the impossible and win. For life to be fully lived, the God of the Impossible must be fully trusted with the writing of the script.” May God start to write my script.

“If ever it seemed all hope was lost, it meant the almighty God of the Universe was near” (Ludy). He is definitely near. And I think I’m getting ready to let go.