When you don’t know where to go from here

When I started this blog a couple days ago, I thought this would be a good cathartic way for me to examine what I have been going through and lay those revelations out in an authentic and raw expression. This is scary, but exciting when the things you have to say are in hindsight and you are on the other side of the experience. The hard part comes on days like this. Days where I’m not particularly proud of how I have responded (or rather declined to respond) to God when He called me.

A couple days ago I attempted to surrender a part of my life to Christ. It was extremely painful and frightening. But it also carried so much excitement with the hope for a new beginning and enthusiasm for that task. I even came up with this “formula” for how I was going to attempt to overcome the recurrent thoughts of this part of my life, this desire for my future that is standing between me and actually having the future Christ has planned for me. I knew things would be hard, but I honestly thought that just seeking God and trying really hard would be enough to get me by, at least for a while. I thought I could do it. But God has shown me today “I” can’t do anything.

We all have highs and lows. We all have those days when doing the right thing takes too much effort, when it’s easier to just turn on the tv and let your mind turn to mush. That was the kind of day I had today. I didn’t do anyone harm, I didn’t intentionally do something that was wrong. But I neglected to put God at my focus today. Not because I didn’t want to, not because I had things I wanted more, just simply because I was tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically tired. I haven’t been sleeping well and that is taking its toll on me. My problem is that when I get tired, I reach a level of defeat. I have been learning this lesson about myself in the last few months; I don’t do tired well. I get sad, depressed, apathetic, and just defeated. The ability to be positive, to look past my present is just more effort than I have.

I started thinking in my defeated state earlier that today could be considered a “loss”. That I lost my battle today to push the enemy away, to put God in the driver’s wheel and give Him my future, to adhere to the “plan” I had for how to overcome the area I had surrendered. I had lost. Then I felt God remind me that yes I had lost today, but HE had not. That yes, I had been unable to defeat the enemy from making me feel defeated, but that CHRIST had won by staying by my side every step of the way, undefeated & confident. That I had been unable to put Him as the focus, but my future still sits in HIS hands. That I couldn’t let go & keep my promises, but HE always keeps his promises. That the real problem is that I still think it’s up to me to win at all.

I started to think about the “plan” I had for overcoming my addiction to my ways, desires, & plans for my life still require me to maintain control. The “formula” for surrender isn’t really true surrender. So, where do I go from here? Answer: I have NO idea. That’s really it. I don’t know. Being the defeating kind of day it is, the answer my apathetic mood wants me to say to give up, throw in the towel, say I tried but oh well. It scares me that sometimes I really do feel that way. That true surrender is impossible because I have no idea how to do that. But again, that reasoning places all the cards back in my hand. It’s back to what I can or can’t do.

So where does that leave me? Where do I do from here? Again, I have no idea. I hate to end on a negative note, but that’s life sometimes. All I can do with the rest of today (thankfully there’s not much left) is be grateful I serve a God who always wins. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully He will give me some glimpse of how He is going to help me surrender. My way sucks.


In the meantime, Heather Williams’ song Hallelujah is playing non-stop on my iPod. See her inspirational lyrics below, they fit perfectly with my day:
Jesus, please come
Please come today
Hear me
Heal me
Be near me I pray
I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I’m in need of Your grace today
I stumble and fall
But in spite of it all
Your love always stays the same
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Jesus, please come
Please come today
Break me
Mold me
Use me I pray
But don’t give up on me now
I’m so close to You now
I’m in need of Your grace today
wipe the dirt off my face
hold me in Your embrace
Your love always saves the day
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I’m in need of Your grace today
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Amen
On my knees here I fall
in spite of it all
Hallelujah
And though it seems hard
I’m still trusting You Lord
Hallelujah
Hallelujah